Couples Poker: Looking for Order in Chaos

A relatively large group of us in the Willow Glen area in San Jose engage in a semi-monthly extravaganza called "Couples Poker". Admittedly this is not nearly as exciting as the couples parties of the mid-1970s, but then most of us already have all the Tupperware we need (thought I was going somewhere else, you sick puppy, huh?)

Couples Poker is should really be called something else since couples don't play as such and often attendees are single (or just wish they were.) Perhaps I'll come up with a snappier name for it, but for now this will do:

Short Bus Poker

If you get it, great, if not I won't explain it.

Those of us who play a lot (OK, mostly the men in the group) find this game unfathomably chaotic. We have no idea what the hell other people are playing, and as such, we find it very difficult to play our own hands. We've pondered startegies over beers from "any 2 will do" to playing unbelievably tight (i.e. only entering the pot with AA, KK, QQ, AK etc.)

You see in "real poker" your opponent (who theoretically has some basic understanding of the game, however bad), gives off clues to what they have primarily by how they bet or call. "Movie Tells", like listening to the opening of an Oreo (rent Rounders), are RARE. In "real poker", if a guy raises before the flop, he's got something. If he raises after, he thinks he's still good or at he's feigning it. Fair enough, thank you for the info.

The basic premise above is that the player has some understanding of what his/her hand is, so you- the astute player- can make a read of what he/she's got based on that understanding. This premise falls apart in Short Bus Poker because of "Mitch's Short Bus Poker Theorem #1":

"In order for you to read what a player might have, that player must be themself know what they have."

If this sounds familiar to those of you who have read some poker books, it is an homage to Sklansky's Fundamental Theorem of Poker (from his seminal work The Theory of Poker):

"Every time you play a hand differently from the way you would have played it if you could see all your opponents' cards, they gain; and every time you play your hand the same way you would have played it if you could see all their cards, they lose. Conversely, every time opponents play their hands differently from the way they would have if they could see all your cards, you gain; and every time they play their hands the same way they would have played if they could see all your cards, you lose."

So back to my Theorem, in simpler terms, if your opponent has no fucking clue what they've got, you sure-as-shit aren't going to know.


But how did I get here (hand slaps head in best David Byrne impression)? Why am I writing this? Where an I going?

Last Saturday night I dealt at a Couples Poker Night. Same group as usual, but this time me and some of my poker buddies donated our time to run the party in order to raise money for our local school system. (I guess the Governator will get around to funding the school system sooner or later- once he gets done pumping himself- but until then we need to beg.) While dealing, I got to really observe how people played. This was especially insightful when I got to see their hands in advance (I would occasionally look at the cards if a player had stepped off for a beer...I'd play their hand for them.)

This summarizes what I observed about starting cards:

Any two cards are worth playing for virtually any raise, at least in the early rounds.

A face card of any kind in the hole pretty great and worth playing for any amount at any time. Savvier players might fold a jack if it is not with another big card and the pot has been raised, but this is not a common occurance.

Any two suited cards are expected to make a flush and as such, must be played.

An Ace in the hole is the stone-cold-nuts regardless of what it is paired with.

Nothing is worth a raise, but pretty much anything is worth a call.

Let's think about that for a moment....

Got it?

This means your opponent has any two cards that came off the deck. You haven't got a god-damned clue what is in their hand. And if you remember my first theorem, neither do they. This brings up Mitch's Second Theorem of Short Bus Poker:

"While your opponent may not know what they have, you can be sure they have any two random cards that came off the deck. No matter how much money you bet, they are just as likely to call with 7-2 as they are with A-A. Use this information wisely."

The really astute reader (or at least one that has seen Jurassic Park a few dozen times) will quickly see the parallel to chaos theory. In chaos theory, the output of a system can be wildly non-linear with the input. A butterfly flapping its wings in Beijing causes a hurricane in Texas, is the classic example. In normal poker, a large bet tends to narrow the field of hands you might compete against to ones you could readily charactize and read. An expected output to an expected input. Not so in Short Bus Poker: it is chaotic in the extreme (although I am hoping my dealing did not cause Katrina...)

On Saturday night, I saw pre-flop raises (almost always by guys with pocket pairs or big suited connectors) instantly called by many folks at the table. Callers held a variety of hands from 7-4 unsuited to A-A. I'm serious, I saw all of these. The only raise that got any respect at all was ALL-IN with a big stack (and I gotta give props to Eric S. for getting this and push with AA early in the game.)

This begs the question, why raise pre-flop at all? You're not going to get any info from the raise and you're not going to thin the field. Putting in a massive raise just builds a massive pot for someone to suck out on you with bottom 2 pair, right? Well, probably.

I think you should raise with a really good starting hand. A little nudge raise, like 3-4x the big blind should suffice. It won't get anyone out of the pot, but it will sweeten the pot if you stay ahead.

But really BIG raises? Forget it. Best case you'll be a 4-1 fav before the flop if you get everyone but one other player out (which you won't). Consider this sobering factoid:

In a random 5 way hand with AK, J10, Q9, 44 and 7-5 (offsuit) big slick (AK) is only a 5% favorite over J10 and Q9, a 9% fav over 4-4 and a little over a 2-1 fav over that skanky 7-5 off-suit. (If you change big slick to AA, you become a 2-1 favorite over everyone, but still not huge.) So how lucky are you feeling now, punk?

Restated as Mitch's 3rd Theorem of Short Bus Poker:

"If you're raising massively pre-flop to improve your odds of winning a hand, you should seek professional help immediately because you're probably hitting the meth too hard."

The corrollary to this Theorem involves bluffing:

"Oh yeah, and if you're bluffing by betting to get people out of hand, you've moved beyong meth to China White or something worse." (I will call this corrollary "Campbell's Law" in honor of who prompted me to write it.)

So your only goal pre-flop should be to sweeten the pot, not thin the field. An alien concept to many of us.

And what did I see after the flop? Behavior fell in to several categories:

"Wow, Two (or More) of My Cards Match Two (or More) of the Cards on the Flop". This was usually characterized by calling any bet.

"Wild Optimism". This generally occurred when no pair/draw occurred but the player still had a face card or better in their hand. It didn't generally matter if a larger face card (or Ace) was on the board. This was usually characterized by calling any bet.

"I Don't Have a Face Card and My Cards Don't Match". This was often characterized by a call, but sometimes by a fold.

Get that? You're opponent could have the stone-cold-nuts and you'll probably only be called. Please review Theorem One. You have no fucking clue what they have (and neither do they), right? Well, maybe not.

An example may help:

You have JJ on the button. You nudge raise it 3x the BB and 5 people call. You have no idea what they have.

Flop comes 6-4-10. Everyone checks (normal behavior), you raise half the pot. Three callers.

At this point, you should be putting your players on "I got something, however small" or "I got a face card, maybe an Ace".

Turn comes K. Everyone checks, you bet half the pot again. Two callers. You probably just got whacked by K-4 or K-6 or K-10 or 4-6 or the like.

River comes 9, everyone checks, you go all in.

...and lose to 10-6.

Hopefully you missed the player with the 10-6 when you whipped your cards at him/her. Otherwise you might not get re-invited and you'll miss out on the Ho-Hos.

How would a Short Bus savvy player have lost less money on this hand (cuz you know you're gonna lose):

Betting the innocuous flop is OK, but keep the bet pretty small, maybe 2x the BB. The calls should put up some radar.

When the K hit, just check it. Sure, you're giving off a signal as to your hand, but who the hell is gonna pick up that transmission?

Check the river too, if you win, great. But mostly you'll lose.

So how the hell do you play these tourneys, you might ask? Well, I think I stumbled upon the answer the other night in another SB event I played in (finished 2nd). Basically it comes down to:

Play super-tight pre-flop.

Check or minimally bet any marginal hands you might have (top pair, boss kicker I would consider marginal).

Value bet when you've got the nuts or close to it (top 2 pair, nut flush, boat, etc.)

You should never get in a situation where you need to fold a big hand since no one will ever put much pressure on you.

Avoid confrontations with experienced players or maniacs until very late in the game.

And most importantly, follow Mitch's Short Bus Theorem Number 4:

"If one of the Short Busser's raises, get the fuck out of the pot now, cuz they're packing the nuts."

The MTV VMA Awards Suck

Occasionally I'll take a break from playing poker or reading poker books or watching poker on TV and do something else (actually, right now I am on a break from a tournament that started with 1318 players, I am in 5th with 136 players left...cross your fingers.) Well last night, I had the extreme intestinal displeasure of watching the MTV Video Music Awards, or VMAs for short.

Now I used to dig MTV. I was a kid when the infamous "Man on the Moon" rocked across my ancient analog cable box (the kind where you could tune the Playboy Channel with one of Dad's tiny Philips heads and some ingenuity.) I still check in from time-to-time, more to catch Xibit pimping out someone's ancient Bondo-sculpture-Fiat with a 46" plasma than anything else. God knows, there's not a stich of music to be found.

So I had some hopes that on the VMAs I might catch iwhat the young folks is lizzenin to, see if Snoop Dogg's blingage be fashizzle (and if he was sitting with Lee Iaccoca, his new golf buddy), and root for Kelly Clarkson because she's just so damn nice.

The show started off well enough, with Green Day (who may well be the World's Greatest Band right now) doing a kicking version of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Some might say Coldplay are the WGB, but I think not (I'll cast judgement on them later.)

I should have turned off my TV right after the last note of the opening act. The show was that bad. So fucking bad, in fact, P. Diddy owes me 3 hours of my life back- or at least a new watch.

Did I say P. Diddy? I meant Diddy. I guess his old first name was too hard to spell for most of his friends.

Lowlights (the tournament has restarted and I need to concentrate):

• Diddy is a juvenile, self absorbed fake-gansta dingus. His little talk about how he's going to "keep the show clean" followed by saying "We're not going to use words like muthafuka, beeatch, yada yada" (of course all bleeped) so god-damned funny and original I almost stuck a knife in my own thigh. Great stuff, Diddy. Guess you never owned a George Carlin record.
• To reinforce P's "didiocy" he went on some time later to introduce his various children and their "Baby Mama's" who were in the audience. Nice! You should be proud your kids heard you say "muthafucka" to 20 million people. Damn, where'd I put that knife?
• Didy's dancing sucked. I know because I watch "So You Think You Can Dance?"
• All the rappers sucked ... and I like rap and hip-hop! Ludicris' "Pimpin All Over the World"? Sucked! Snoop Dogg and some dude to busy to show up so he sang on the screen (maybe he was in the joint)? Sucked! Fitty Cent? Actually he was OK. All the rest sucked.
• Demonstration of "Crunk" dancing? Well it might have been good it the DIPSHIT MTV EDITORS SHOWED ANY OF IT. Seriously, they were bent on showing Usher scratching his ass or utterly bored audience members rather than the very talented dancers on stage.
• M.C. Hammer? Guess he got off early from his shift at Taco Bravo in Oakland and had a few minutes to reprise "Can't Touch This". Awesome. Seriously, where's that knife.
• Coldplay: I am now too bored and numb to use a knife on my thigh. Seriously dudes, write something new and uptempo. Is Gwenneth Paltrow in a coma yet? Is their child named Apple because she sprung from a performing plant? What's the deal?
  

Highlights:

• Green Day
• Kelly Clarkson being a total goofball and saying she "didn't have a posse" so she brought along a friend.
• The Reggaeton segment with Daddy Yankee and some other dudes who's names I couldn't pronounce. I have already download "Gasolina" and put it on my iPod. Who knows what the hell they're saying, but that's true of all rap, Spanglish or not.

And the VMA for Best Performance goes to my TiVo remote who made the whole thing go away in less than 75 minutes...

Sometimes the River Ends Abrubtly: Niagara Falls Trip report

I have a meeting in Toronto on Monday and the PGA Championship final round is on Sunday so this can mean only one thing: fly in to Buffalo to play poker in Niagara Falls on Saturday so I can be somewhere with a TV for Sunday. Obvious, right?

But seriously, I had a Monday meeting in Ottawa the day after the British Open final round and, of course, I missed it due to a delayed red-eye flight. I really wanted to see this one, so I took no chances and flew out Saturday. Gotta have your priorities straight!

And now I am sitting in my lovely hotel room in Missasagua (sp? who cares) near Pearson Airport (I didn't fly in, since aparently they cannot stop on the runway here) and they have suspended play for the second time with Phil in the lead at -5. When will they restart? Well, fuck me, it's right when my meeting starts at 10AM tomorrow. Go figure.

Back to the more interesting (only slightly) part of my trip...

I got in to Buffalo around 5PM after pulling an all-nighter on Friday. Why sleep when you need to be up at 4AM? (To stay awake I played 2 long tournamnets on line and won a 45 person $1 buy-in NLHE and came in 2nd in a $5/8 person Stud 8b, but not on PokerRoom...)

I drove from lovely Buffalo directly to Niagara Falls, NY where I knew there to be an Elk's Lodge. I'd checked on-line in advance thinking it might be a good place to hang out and watch some golf. It took some searching, and 2 calls to the lodge for directions, but finally I found it.

Let's just say, I think the Elks national saved some dough by hiring the same architect for the San Jose lodge and the Niagara lodge.

They weren't identical, but clearly sprung from the same 1960s era aesthetic. The Niagara lodge was a bit smaller than ours but they have their priorities straight.

Two-thirds of the place is bar.

A great big huge bar with about 30 tables. Dark, dank, they way I like it. Unfortunately there was only one small TV and the locals were deeply in to the last few minutes of Jaws 2. I told them the shark died and they were crestfallen by my spoiler. Apparently it was a first run movie in Niagara.

There were only 3 people in the lodge: Melissa (a 26 year old member and the bartender), Mark (a late 30's protoypical Upstate New Yorker) and Gary (I'm guessing late 50s).

These folks were very nice and refused to take my money for any drinks. They even gave me a lodge pin to take back to San Jose. (I need to send them a #522 pin with a thank you note, if I remember). They were so nice I would feel dirty if I ragged on them here, so (uncharacteristically) I won't.

Turns out there's only about 300 members and shrinking in the lodge. The local economy was in a tailspin, they said, until the local Indian casinos opened (seems NAFTA shipped all the jobs to Canada).

By the time we got to the subject of local casinos, we had watched a little golf and were now on to some NY poker tournament on The Yankee Network (yes, when you're worth that much money you can have your own station too). The two guys at the bar were commenting on how they would play each hand and it was a hoot. I mentioned how I was going to play that night in Canada.

Mark says: "You should play at the Seneca Casino, they have a really nice poker room". Now I had seen the Seneca Casino whilst searching for the lodge and it was on the US side. I really had my heart set on Canada (and my hotel was there) but I thought I could play a few hands on the way.

Then Gary says: "But we're playing here around 9 tonight, why don't you join us?" Now show tunes are going off in my head after listening to their commentary for the past few minutes. This could be some seriously easy money. Then the angel on my shoulder says "do you really want to take some union dude's money from an economically depressed region of New York who is your Elk brother and just bought you a beer?" Of course, I did!

Kidding.

I begged out of there around 7PM and headed for the Seneca Casino. Nice Elken in Niagara, definitely stop in next time you're here.

The Seneca Casino is attached to what appears to be the biggest, and nicest, building in Niagara Falls NY. It's a tall glass and steel building with an enormous grey, dark grey, darker grey inverted chevron pattern eminating from the top floor; remiscent of a Native American rug pattern. But it was the interior I was really interested in.

I entered the casino on a mezzanine level from the parking garage. There was a huge, arching dark brown ceiling that gave the interior the look of a tribal lodge. Looking down, my first impression was: "I have died and gone to gambler's hell."

The sports-arena sized cavern was full of slot machines, as far as the eye could see. I have NEVER seen so many in one place, nothing in Vegas is close. It's probable that some other casino somewhere has more slots but I have never seen them so jammed in. I was afraid my Elk brothers thought I meant video poker when I asked them where to play. Oh well, the parking was free...

I wandered around the ground floor to the table games area. I think there were 2 blackjack, 4 roulette and maybe 6 random games (Spanish 21, Pai Gow, etc.). That's it. And this room is probably two football fields or more. Against hope, I asked the pit boss if they had a poker room: they did!

The Seneca poker room was mercifully in a different part of the casino well away from any slot machines. The room had about 14 tables with the following games: $2/4 limit hold'em (LHE), $5/10 LHE, $1/2 No-Limit Hold'em (NLHE), $2/5 NLHE, $5/10 NLHE, $1-5 Stud and $3-6 Omaha Hi Lo.

I put my name on every game. The guys behind me said jovially "you just wanna get a game!" Indeed, I did. I chatted with them for a few moments and found out they were Canadian and at the Seneca because "the Canadian poker room suck, eh?" Well, they didn't really add the "eh" part, but they did say the Canadian rooms were poorly run and featured wait times in excess of 3 hours. Damn, glad I came here.

The (cute and friendly) girl running the board handed me one of those LED coaster buzzers and sent me off to wait for a table. I was told it would be about an hour. Damn. Out to the slot machines I went.

I didn't really want to play slots, but the lowest table game was $15 blackjack. I hate blackjack, especially more than $5 blackjack, so I played video poker.

And quickly lost $40. One $20 disappeared when I hit the wrong button (I believe it was labeled "sucker with poor eyesight, push here"). Pissed off, I wandered back to the poker room. I had about another 15 minutes to wait in their big, comfy leather lounge chairs, then I was called up for $1/2 no-limit.

It was $100 buy-in max and I quickly won a couple of pots with big pre-flop raises followed, if necessary, by half-pot sized raises. There was a 20-comething couple sitting across from me; the girl obviously had no idea what she was doing, and the guy had on a hockey jesrsey, baseball cap and mirrored Oakley shades. Classic! I was up about $50 when the following two hands hit, back to back.

In the small blind I am dealt pocket Aces. The whole table calls for $2 by the time it gets to me (pretty typical, except for me). I raise to $8. Two callers.

Flop is K-rag-rag and I am psyched. I am hoping someone with KJ, or the like, just made top pair. I check. It gets checked around. DAMN.

Turn is a K. Oh shit. Anyone slow-playing top pair just got trips. Now I need to move. I bet out $15. Everyone folds, thank god.

Next hand, on the button, I get AA again! The whole table fishes again and I raise to $12. Two callers. (BTW, the odds of AA twice in a row is like 44000-1).

The flop comes JJ8. DAMN, DAMN. It is checked to me, I check. Turn is a rag and one of the two remaining players goes all-in for $35. I had seen this guy bluff at a couple of pots. I thought for about 30 seconds, then called.

Jersey-Hat-Mirrored Shades dude turns over Jack-Eight suited. The guy called a 5x big blind raise with a friggin' J8. I needed an Ace. It never came.

In retrospect, I probably should have tossed by Aces, but I really thought he had A-8 or something like that (he showed a propensity for playing little Aces). Oh well.

One more hand kicked me in the nads, or I should say, I kicked myself in the nads. I had 3-4 of diamonds and chased a straight, flush and straight flush down to the river where I hit the flush. I was pretty sure I was the only one to hit it because everyone checked to the bettor. The bettor bet out $15 and I raised to $30. Then he pushed all in (over $300 and way covered me).

What could I do? I had a pretty shitty flush, what I failed to see was the board was paired. Why did I miss it? Because I was so fixated on making my flush.

I folded, face up, saying "I guess your flush it better". He says, "it is" , and flips over 5-2 for a 55222 full house. Good fold, Mitch, you fuck. Ever think of looking at the board, or just calling? It was a terrible call to raise when I could easily have had 2nd best hand.

I had to reload another $60 and eventually ground myself back to "only" $40 down. The two biggest fish at the table left (including mirror-guy and his chick from whom I won back all my money) just before my name was called for Omaha, so I left and moved to that game.

Before I left though, we got into an "argument" about how much the minimum raise is in NLHE. I put argument in quotes, because this poker room might have been the friendliest I have played in. Many locals, but very nice (except for mirror dude who liked to stare me down ESPN style...)

What happened is, someone raised a $2 blind up to $12 total (a $10 raise) and another guy called by throwing in 4 red chips (1 more than needed). Big, loud dude (not in the hand) yells "he raised!" even though the guy did not want to. The guy was allowed to take his extra chip back but one of the locals kept going on about how the raise should stand (he did this in a jovial New Yorker fashion, but he was a bit annoying). The rule is you must double the previous raise. By my math, the previous raise was $10 ($2+$10) so the next player would need to raise another $10 for a total bet of $22.

Several of us tried to explain this "loud dude" but he would not listen. His buddy, the new dealer (the hand was long over) backed him up. This would have made the guy who threw in 4 reds liable for a raise had this guy been dealing at the time. Finally, just to shut Big Loud (but Nice!) Guy up, the floor came over and 'splained to him the bet would need to be $22 to be a full raise. He had a nice serving of humble pie.

Anyway, I moved over to Omaha and promptly won a bunch of money by making really long shot calls on the turn and rivering-out clearly better players. I didn't care, it's Niagara and river runs seriously wild. I also won a few pots by playing well, but mostly I was lucky.

But now this trip report is way too long, the PGA is not coming back on and I need some dinner.

Results:

$160 + $40 (video poker) in, $290 out: up $90. And I had a ton of fun.

I was out of there by 1130 and, after a late dinner of Buffalo wings (could I have anything else?), and a 30 minute wait at the border, I hit the sack at 130 AM. I won't bore you with the terrorist cell I discovered running "America's Best Inn 'n' Suites" in Canada. (How did I know they were terrorists? Because of the ironic name of their hotel, that's how!)

I Quit on PokerRoom

Before posting my Buffalo trip report I thought I should summarize my PokerRoom quest with: I QUIT.

Just too many suckouts, bad beats and me steaming like a bowl of miso soup. I don't know how Jesus Ferguson did it, it mut have been a long time ago before the net was full of hacks who will call with any 2-outer...

Tournament Time

Well I took a break from the grind at PokerRoom (I am up $10 since my reload) and played in a large $5.50 NLHE tournament at PokerStars.

What a blast!

It was a turbo tournament where blinds go up every 5 minutes. At the end (for me) the blinds were $20,000/$40,000 with $2,000 antes. I was all in so many times I was getting felt burns. SICK!

Here's the results:

PokerStars Tournament #10686478, No Limit Hold'em

Buy-In: $5.00/$0.50

1221 players

Total Prize Pool: $6105.00

Dear makahn64,

You finished the tournament in 15th place.

A $48.85 award has been credited to your Real Money account.

You earned 155.20 tournament leader points in this tournament.

Next up, an Omaha Hi/Lo tourney in 7 minutes...

RELOAD

OK, I cannot end the quest after one really bad friggin' day. It is quite ironic that the day I start the blog I loose all my fucking money...

I have reloaded $50 in PokerRoom and I will stay away from the gutter limits and try to grind up from there. Just to break even now I must:

• Win $20 for the last $20 and $13 for the Neteller reamage fee
• So I need to get to $83.

Here we go!

Update #5: Blow by Blow

Starting with $9.10.

• Post 0.25 one off the BB- dealt J-3 os. Check and button raises to $2. FOLD
• UTG dealt 6-5os. FOLD.
• BB dealt 2-2, bet is raised to $1.45. FOLD. (Would not have hit, a straight won).
• SB dealt Q-5os, raised to $1. FOLD.
• DOWN to $8.45 due to blinds.
• Button dealt 10d-6d. FOLD. (A-A-7 flop no diamonds)
• Cut off dealt Q-4os. FOLD. (K-8-5 rainbow)
• MP dealt Js-10c. CALL 0.25, raised to 0.50 call. Flop is all hearts and I am gone.
• DOWN to $7.95.

• AdQs, raise $1 one caller. Flop comes As-6s-5d. I raise 3 and am called. Turn is a seeming blank and I go all in. CALL. River is a 9 giving DOUCHEBAG a straight.

• I AM OUT OF MONEY.
  

Update #4: I Suck

I am down to $9. I suck. I blow. I suck and blow.

I won't bore you with a long history of bad beats and suckouts, but you add that to me steaming off a shitload of chips and here I am.

I don't think I have won a significant pot in 30 hours.

Here's a small list of bad beats:

• Ace high flush beaten by a straight flush. I saw it on the board before pushing all in, but didn't really think it could happen. Bammo, out of a tournament.
• AK all in preflop to AA. This happened twice.
• AA (mine) vs. 10-2. 10 on the flop, 10 on the river.

And I have lost count of how many AK, AQ, AJs turned into nothing and how many JJ, QQ saw A or K on the flop- or worse- on the river. How many jerkoffs called down with overcards just to suck me out on the river.

Now, I know these bad plays by other guys in the long-run add up to money for me- but damn it- I need that money now or my quest will be over. If this were my regular home game, I'd just play one of my regular "Mitch Needs to Win Back Some Money" dealer's choice games and move on. Now if I could just get PokerRoom to offer Thermonuclear Pineapple...

I have decided to play 0.25-0.25 NLHE with my last $9 and try to grind it. We'll see...

Update #3: Killed

What a shitty night. I didn't even play bad, just had every crappy suckout known to man.

I finally gave up playing suck-out cash and played a tournament.

And got sucked out.

My JJ was ahead all the way to the river when AK hit his king. Left me with just $310 vs. blinds of $50/$100. Went all in with A-5 and lost.

Down to $47. Brutal.

You know what's worse? I watched about an hour of Anchorman while playing. Now that is some serious-ass insult-to-injury.

Update #2: $77

Dropped $5 at 0.25/0.50 after a run of really horrible cards and bad beats. It's cool. I move to a $0.50/$1 LHE table since all the 0.25 games are full. $10 is a little over the 10% rule ($6.5 would be right), but I am feeling nutty.

First hand I am dealt K-J os posting behind the button. I raise and pick-up the blinds. Woo-hoo! I am up to $10.75. I haven't seen good cards for the next few deals. I'll spare the play-by-play and post again later.

Right now, me and the wife are gonna kick back with a little "Rockstar: INXS". I know it's sick, but I love it.

WHOOP. KK in the BB, hold tight! Nice, despite a flush scare, pulled down an $11 pot. Damn, pissed some of it back to some joker who held on with 10-10 when the flop had both overcards and a flush. Everyone else fell for my bluff but him (I did have the K of clubs for the nut flush but it didn't come in.) The note I put next to this guy is:

"Calls flush and overcards with 10-10. DOPE."

Anyway, now I am up to $13 so I am down $2 on the night. Wife's calling, gotta take a break.

But before I can take the break, I get KK again. Another scare, but another won pot. I am at $77 and stop for now.

Online Poker Challenge Update #1: Tripled Up

Here's where I sit with the online poker challenge (I really need a catchy name):

• I deposited $20 on July 23, 2005. Yes, I know this is before I started blogging about it, but I just got the blog idea the other day.
• As of the evening of 1-August-2005 I am at $70.90.

I inadvertently reset the lifetime stats counter, but here are my hold'em stats:

• Hands Played: 684
• Playing Time: 25hrs 24m
• Total won: $14.45 (I'll explain later)
• $/hour: $0.57 (a Republican living wage!)
• Pre-flop fold %: 54% (way too loose, I'll explain as well)

OK, so first, I know this looks like I play all day, every day- I do not. But I often have PR running in the background when I am doing email, market research, surfing porn, etc. at night. (All right, I don't do that much market research.) PR goes "beep" when it is my turn to fold. In fact, it is running right now. When I beeps, I comment on the hand.

[I just sat down at table "Kopenhagen" a $0.25-$0.5 limit HE table. I bought in for $5 of my $70.

I post behind the button and am dealt Q-5 off-suit. It gets raised and re-raised to $0.75 before it gets to me and I chuck it.]

As for the pre-flop fold percentage of 54% I know I look REALLY loose. A decent player should be above 70% on this stat (fold 7 of 10 hands pre-flop). PokerRoom does not factor in times I just check the big blind, which is a lot in loose passive games like you find at low limits. So I am going to say this is about 8% of the time putting me at 62%, still a bit low. I am not too worried about this, though, because the games are so unaggressive you can usually see a flop cheap with hands like A-3 suited that I would chuck in tougher games. But I still want this stat to go up (i.e. fold more).

[Next hand, KJos in late position. A bunch of calls to me and a raise with a fairly mediocre hand. 8 callers. Hey, it is online poker at its best. Flop is crapola but I call a bet with 2 overcards (leak!). Turn brings me a gutshot straight draw (I have K-Q-J-9) and I am getting 10-1 by the time the betting gets to me. A guttie comes in 11-1 so I am not quite getting my odds, but I call anyway- and lose. Now I am down to $3.50.]

Next question: if you've won only $14 where did the other $36 come from? A few places, first I did nuke some of my stats and some of the profit was in there. Second, I bought in to a $5 SnG (sit-and-go) tournament which I won (after being down to the felt). I bought in when I was over $40 so it was never more than 10% of the bankroll. Third, I broke the rules and played a few sessions of $1-2 stud where I won about $10.

[6-8 offsuit in the small blind (SB). It's jacked to $.50 and I toss it. K-5 os on the button, I check it, too many callers. A few more folders and I am sitting at a pre-flop fold percentage of 82%. Unfortunately, I am also down to $3.10 this session. I need CARDS.]

So there you have, updates later after tonight's session...

Which Online Poker Site?

My first task in my online adventure is to pick a site. I've played on four so far:

• Pacific Poker, my first poker site, might be a decent choice. Software is OK, games were fairly easy. The only problem is I can't remember my username or password, so screw it, Pacific's out.
• Poker Stars, was my second site. I tried Stars after having a very long conversation with some random dude I sat next to on a plane. He saw me reading "Hold'em for Advanced Players" (HEAP for those cool enough to know) and a 3 hour discussion ensued. (I invited him to my buddy's game that very night and the fucker took down the $300 first place payout. I damn near got banned.) Anyway, he recommended it for having the best software, choice of games, etc. and he was right. Only problem is the players are quite good, and that is incompatible with my goal. I still have about $105 bucks over there for playing the $5 SnGs (sit and gos) I like so much. And it is the only place to find a populated $0.50-$1.00 Stud 8/b game on line. You can find me there as "makahn64".
  
• PokerRoom, was my third site. I deposited about $20 there one night when I was travelling for business and the only computer I had was my Crapple iBook. I was jonesin' for a game and PokerRoom was the only one that supported Macs (through a crappy Java applet). Anyway, I won my very first SnG on PokerRoom (actually my very first bet on PokerRoom to be specific) and I was in love. I quickly ran my $20 up to a gynourmous $80 and cashed out $60. I quikly lost the remainder playing $1-2 stud far too loosley. It turns out PR has some of the crappiest players on the net. Could be the winner.
• Full Tilt Poker, was my forth site. I dropped a $100 in FTP primarily to play in a weekly private HORSE tournament run by some folks I know on the 2+2 Forums (www.twoplustwo.com). I never could remember when the tournament was though and managed to drop the full $100 playing a variety of games poorly. The tournaments were soft, but in the cash games I was softer. And there were a number of complete assholes playing $2-4 stud on the site. And they never had their statistics software working, so this was a real problem if you're trying to track such things.
  

So it really came down to FTP or PokerRoom. I have ended up going with PR because I really needed the stats. Poker Stars has much better stats, but I need soft competition.

The decision now was how much to start with?

$1 did not seem reasonable since Neteller would probably jack me for like $12 in fees. Talk about reverse implied odds. In addition, PR does not have the submicronlimit games Stars has (0.01-0.02) so I need some bankroll.

$100 seems like too much temptation for me. I might jump into some no limit games, swing for the fences, get popped.

$20 sounds about right. I could start out in some 0.25-0.50 limit hold'em games and work my way up from there.

I already had deposited the $20 in PokerRoom previously (actually a reload after pissing away $20 a couple of weeks ago) and have been grinding it ever since. In my next blog, I'll tell you where I am at and what I have been playing.

I'm sure it will mind-fuckingly exciting.