The MTV VMA Awards Suck

Occasionally I'll take a break from playing poker or reading poker books or watching poker on TV and do something else (actually, right now I am on a break from a tournament that started with 1318 players, I am in 5th with 136 players left...cross your fingers.) Well last night, I had the extreme intestinal displeasure of watching the MTV Video Music Awards, or VMAs for short.

Now I used to dig MTV. I was a kid when the infamous "Man on the Moon" rocked across my ancient analog cable box (the kind where you could tune the Playboy Channel with one of Dad's tiny Philips heads and some ingenuity.) I still check in from time-to-time, more to catch Xibit pimping out someone's ancient Bondo-sculpture-Fiat with a 46" plasma than anything else. God knows, there's not a stich of music to be found.

So I had some hopes that on the VMAs I might catch iwhat the young folks is lizzenin to, see if Snoop Dogg's blingage be fashizzle (and if he was sitting with Lee Iaccoca, his new golf buddy), and root for Kelly Clarkson because she's just so damn nice.

The show started off well enough, with Green Day (who may well be the World's Greatest Band right now) doing a kicking version of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Some might say Coldplay are the WGB, but I think not (I'll cast judgement on them later.)

I should have turned off my TV right after the last note of the opening act. The show was that bad. So fucking bad, in fact, P. Diddy owes me 3 hours of my life back- or at least a new watch.

Did I say P. Diddy? I meant Diddy. I guess his old first name was too hard to spell for most of his friends.

Lowlights (the tournament has restarted and I need to concentrate):

• Diddy is a juvenile, self absorbed fake-gansta dingus. His little talk about how he's going to "keep the show clean" followed by saying "We're not going to use words like muthafuka, beeatch, yada yada" (of course all bleeped) so god-damned funny and original I almost stuck a knife in my own thigh. Great stuff, Diddy. Guess you never owned a George Carlin record.
• To reinforce P's "didiocy" he went on some time later to introduce his various children and their "Baby Mama's" who were in the audience. Nice! You should be proud your kids heard you say "muthafucka" to 20 million people. Damn, where'd I put that knife?
• Didy's dancing sucked. I know because I watch "So You Think You Can Dance?"
• All the rappers sucked ... and I like rap and hip-hop! Ludicris' "Pimpin All Over the World"? Sucked! Snoop Dogg and some dude to busy to show up so he sang on the screen (maybe he was in the joint)? Sucked! Fitty Cent? Actually he was OK. All the rest sucked.
• Demonstration of "Crunk" dancing? Well it might have been good it the DIPSHIT MTV EDITORS SHOWED ANY OF IT. Seriously, they were bent on showing Usher scratching his ass or utterly bored audience members rather than the very talented dancers on stage.
• M.C. Hammer? Guess he got off early from his shift at Taco Bravo in Oakland and had a few minutes to reprise "Can't Touch This". Awesome. Seriously, where's that knife.
• Coldplay: I am now too bored and numb to use a knife on my thigh. Seriously dudes, write something new and uptempo. Is Gwenneth Paltrow in a coma yet? Is their child named Apple because she sprung from a performing plant? What's the deal?
  

Highlights:

• Green Day
• Kelly Clarkson being a total goofball and saying she "didn't have a posse" so she brought along a friend.
• The Reggaeton segment with Daddy Yankee and some other dudes who's names I couldn't pronounce. I have already download "Gasolina" and put it on my iPod. Who knows what the hell they're saying, but that's true of all rap, Spanglish or not.

And the VMA for Best Performance goes to my TiVo remote who made the whole thing go away in less than 75 minutes...