Mitch's Blogue

Postcards from the Edge (Part I)

2007-10-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Just a sampling of the 3rd Annual WGPT Boy's Poker Trip to Vegas...Days 1 and 2

We're en-route. Time for our (3rd) cocktail.

And is this the face of a man who later party at The Killer's private table at Tao or someone on the terrorist watch list?

Well, both, actually.

And note Treb's requisite orange shirt. Gotta get me one of them.

First Night (Thurs) Some Work While Some Play

While the other boys were grinding the hours in the Mandalay Bay Poker Room, me and Treb were working Rum Jungle.

This is my best Uncle Fester face. Chicks dig it the most.

Friday on the Beach.

"That's like a hundred years of girl-on-girl experience right there, that is."

No comment necessary.

"Is that an iPhone? Really, I've never seen one (except for the one my buddy is using to take this pic.)"

"Are we out of the beer and JD we snuck in?"

Dead soldiers on the beach.

Dogs Playing Poker

2007-01-26T16:39:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted about playing cards in a very long time. It's not that I haven't played (how could that be!); I've just been preoccupied with other stuff.

But I'm about to go on an adventure to Macau (biggest gambling city in the world!) so I thought I better warm up. What better place than the local Elks lodge. I mean there's no one speaking in Chinese (well no one even Asian at this game), there were no prostitiutes (well at least no one that had prostituted themself lately- except maybe the sales guys), and no unrecognizable food (other than the 12 year old popcorn we were eating.) But other than that, it was just like Macau.

Since it seems a common theme in Asian gaming is some form of dice and cards (been to Garden City?) we did the same. It was huge fun; but slowed the poker to halt during critical calls ("6 sixes...BULLSHIT"), so I don't know if I'll repeat. But the best part is this pic I took I like to call Dogs Playing Poker. How many vices can you count (yes, the my BlackBerry is one...)

Angle Shooting at the Trop in AC

2006-04-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

"Angle Shooting", for the non-poker player, means to bend the rules (or slightly break them) for the purposes of winning a hand. Maybe you complain a player mucked their hand without showing the winner, maybe you claim someone's hand full of chips came out past the line and they didn't bet, maybe you whine about a string bet. In any case, you're not playing your cards, you're tweaking the rules. In general, I hate angle shooting.

Unless I'm doing it.

Nah, I didn't do it at the tables, I did it to get in some table time in AC. My boss knows the phrase, and he may even read this, so have a sense of humor Danny!

Turns out I had a customer to see in King-of-Prussia PA and then had to fly to Tokyo the next day, so I thought AC was a very convenient place to stay. After all, it is only a 53 mile drive to the Philly airport. And my flight was at 730AM, so it was perfect.

I decided to stay at the Trop. I remembered from my last visit they had a good non-smoking card room with lots of games spread. After a few hours of in-room conference calls, I hit the tables.

AC is so different from Vegas and Cali. In Cali card rooms, Asian players outnumber everyone else by a factor of 2-1 easily. Regularly for me, English is not the spoken language at the table. There's also very few women. In Vegas you see more of a mix but with tons of tourists playing. AC is all about the regulars.

My first game was $1-5 Stud. The game was just kicking off (I was the magic number person to get the game going) and I was probably the only non-regular at the table. I was also the youngest by 25-30 years (and I'm damn near FOURTY TWO) and the only one not named Saul, Morty or Joey. It was a kick- like an Elk's lodge game but in a casino. And 3 of the 8 players were women.

Very soft game, any raise of the full amount ($5) generally resulted in the speed of folding seen only in dry cleaners. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. We were all having a good time, me and Morty and Saul talking about the old days and where did all the good music go and damn these kids today. I couldn't blow them off a hand, that would be mean.

So what if I lost a few bucks (like a whopping $20); I still had my integrity. I can still count on a few good shots at shuffleboard some day coming my way by the old-timer karmic express.

I was not so kind in the $4-8 hold'em game I got into after dinner. Sure I still had some mid-timer competition, including my buddies from Philly, Judi and Mary (50-something gals in on their regular weekly pilgrimage to AC.) My favorites were the mid-timer dudes across the table, one of whom liked to stare me down over $8 bets.

In one hand I had jolly-jack-fuck other than the Ace of clubs (maybe a 9 kicker, on the button). I was getting tired of him raising all the time so I re-jacked him before the flop (did I mention I was also a tad bored?). Don't remember what the flop was, but it wasn't particularly good for me. It did have two clubs. He bet, I called. I'd seen him bet with A-4, A-5 etc. with only Ace high several times already.

Now I know if a club falls I am bluffing at this pot. It is the only way.

Turn's some other card. He bets, I call (feeling slightly donkeyish).

River's a semi-magical club. He bets, I raise. He starts to stare me down. He continues. I give him a goofball smile, he looks away, waits another 30 seconds and...

...mucks. Domo ariagato(, mr. roboto.)

I debate showing my hand, maybe just the Ace of clubs, but I figure a guy like this can twist himself up better than I can so I just slide my cards into the muck as well. I just love a well executed bluff against a dickwad.

I chatted up my new friends from Philly for a while then headed out to try to get a little exercise and a nap before my flight to Narita. Managed the exercise, not so much sleep.

You see, my hotel's not that close to the airport and I had to get up a little early :-).

[P.S. I did try to find a game in Tokyo, but had to make do playing on PokerStars in the Admiral's club...]

Porn shop owner

2006-01-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

NOTE: The short posts below should probably be read in reverse order since they came from my BlackBerry while at the tables in Vegas.

[FYI, the Consumer Electronics Show runs concurrent with some national Porn show. Freeks and Geeks, baby! I shared the tables with both...]

The owner of the biggest porn shop in thunder bay Ontario just say next to me. Skank with a capital Penis.

Playing "cockring" (A-6, baby!) just isn't the same at this table!

Cockring ? An Explanation...

In reading this months later, I realize the hand name "Cockring" has not been explained. Here's the story:

A bunch of our local poker group went to Vegas last September. Before dinner one night, we were all seated at a $2-4 table at the Mandalay and our rule was any hand with a "name" had to be played. So this lead to lots of action as we played crap like a "Doyle Brunson" (10-2) , "Gay Waiter" (Q-3), "Motown" (J-5), etc. We even made up names just to get in there and tussle: "Todd Brunson" (10-3), "MILF" (3-9), you get the picture...

At dinner (at the Palm's Steakhouse), someone came up with the clever idea that we should attempt to work the word "cockring" into casual conversation ("I was whitewater rafting with some buddies," say Pete, "when my cockring got caught in the oarlock."). This, of course, led to much wine expelled through the nose and also naturally lead to us having to name a hand "cockring". Think about A-6 and A-9 as the two most likely candidates for a while and you'll get it...

Taking money from porn stars

2006-01-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

So I'm on a walking poker tour from the convention center back to the trop. First stop, the Imperial Palace.

New 2/4 game. I pass on no limit since the folks waiting for the game just scream "free money!"

On my left? Porn chick and acne cratered stud with "it won't suck itself!" T-shirt on (no shit, its true)

On my right? Porn chick and porn dude with requisite goatee. No acne, but scraggly just the same (in a skinny Ron Jeremy kind of way).

How do porn stars play?

Wait for it...

Loose.

Michelle, the dealer from China...

2006-01-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

...thinks I look wierd. My eyes are "too big and too blue". I think she is actually scared of me! Buzzarre.

Quad eights at stud

2006-01-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

Sweet! Spun the wheel *almost* got 100 bonus but ended up with 20. I'll take it.

Playstation 3: mindblowing

2006-01-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

I have finally been wowed at this show. The PS3 is insanely realistic, virtually as realistic as film. More later...

Breakin' rocks in the hot sun...

2006-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

The 5-10 Omaha at the Mirage just broke and I did a lot of the breaking. But I had an accomplice. More on that at the end. First to last night's action.

I ended up playing a wee bit late in the lovely Tropicana poker room last night. I use the word "lovely" as a synonym for "dark, dank, hole". Six tables, in the darkest corner of this already dark casino. Self-service table list ("be you're own Brush at the Trop!"). Cocktail waitresses who fondly remember serving the Rat Pack guys. You get the picture.

I played $1/2 No Limit and quickly blew off $200. Four guys at the left end of the table (I was in seat 6) we're big stacked and calling EVERYTHING. I got rivered a bunch of times and one time got way to attached to a pair of tens. Problem was, I was playing too passively. After the rivering that had me reaching for another $50 (after dumping $200) I decided to get angry.

I went on tear and won about 6 hands in a row. Three of them were stone-cold all-in bluffs in position when a scare card dropped. My favorite was this hand:

I have A-4 diamonds in the UTG seat ("under the gun, right after big blind"). Now I hate little Aces, especially in no-limit, but this table was pretty passive so I called. I think the hand got raised, but not to more than $10. Big blind called. Maybe 5 people in the pot.

Flop comes down A-7-2 with one diamond. Big Blind bets. Now you see why I hate little Aces; it is damn near impossible for me to not be outkicked! (He might not have an Ace, but who is going to bet out from early position with a 2 or a 7 with an Ace on the board? This guy was not that kind of player.)

I think he bet like $10-15. I was still a bit pissed off, so I called (I figured I had 1 out for runner-runner flush and 3 outs for a straight, about 10-1, not great but the implied odds were good if I hit.) Everyone else folded.

Turn comes J diamonds. Now I am 4 to the nut flush. Big bling bets $20.

I push all in for $80 or so.

BB thinks a bit, says "I believe you" and flips over A-7 (2 pair). "Holy Shit!" I think to myself, "that should have been on ESPN!".

I had a good read on the guys across from me two. After an hour or so their betting patterns/amounts were real clear. I could tell when one of the guys was betting second pair and bluffed him off twice when a scare card fell on the turn (A, K, etc.).

I ended up winning all my money back. It was here that things went down hill.

The $2/4 table next door decided they were going to play Omaha. So, of course, I changed tables. We only got 2 hands in (I won both) before two newbies sat down and did not want to play. Somehow I ended up blowing off $125 in LIMIT hold'em in like an hour. I was fishing like a mad man.

Actually, I just sucked.

Anyway, I am beat now, so I will have to write my bit about conquering "The Rock Garden" tomorrow. Highlights:

- Playing in a $55 single table satellite (it sucked!)
- Going on a huge run in $3-6
- Going on a bigger run in $5-10 full kill Omaha

G'Nite!

----------Added Later-----------

So I just love the Mirage $5-10 FK Omaha game. First of all, it seems to be the last Omaha game left on the strip (I found a rotation game once at the MGM, but only once and that's another story...). Second, it seems to be the same 8 rocks every time I sit down.

The combined age of the "stock 8" players at the Mirage $5-10 O8B game is around 600 years. I am not shitting you. I was damn near skate-punk-young to these guys. And they play like their social security checks are on the line, which, come to think of it, is probably the case. This makes me feel kind of bad for them, until I realize these folks are here all day every day.

Anyway, since they play so damn tight, I play a little looser than normal. I was even warned by a dealer at the $3-6 game that these folks only raise with killer hands (obvious once you watch for a while). So this makes my hand selection easier. Unraised pots, play looser and perhaps raise with something not-quite-worth-it; raised pots: bail unless it is something strong.

Surprisingly, several of the players at the table recognized me from the last time I played there (like 6 months ago...story somewhere below). I killed the game last time for several hundred...this night was not much different. I managed to leave up something like $500 after about 3-4 hours of play. I won one kill pot worth over $300 when my top full house beat the player with second full house (I played the hand intentionally weird and sucker punched him at the end, no way he could put me on top full house until the last reraise...he thought I had made nut flush).

Anyway, I love that game and hope it manages to survive at least a little while longer.

Mobile Blogging!

2006-01-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

It works! Awesome. Now I can spend my idle moments waiting for decent cards boring other people with my inane writing. I love technology.

(BTW, check out go.blogger.com if you want to go mobile. Works great from the CrackBerry.)

Did you ever have someone so ludicrously helpful you just wanted to tell them to shut the hell up (but you couldn't cuz they were so nice)? Such was my relationship with Titi (real name) who was my overly helpful check-in lady tonight.

I had to wait about a half an hour on line at the Trop to meet Ms. Tiki (Ethiopa), time I spend tooling with mobile blogger on my cellie. Little did I know I would be spending about 10 minutes checking in because Tiki had to tell me EVERYTHING about the Trop.

I'm serious, damn near everything. And she had to illustrate it to boot.

She pulls out a map on which I want simple directions to the supposed WiFi hotspot at the hotel (only dialup in this fleabag). She proceeds to draw on the map, like some crazed pregnant Ethiopian John Madden, plotting plays for how I will get from here to there.

"Here's the cafe, in case you want something to eat. It is open 24/7!", and she write "Cafe, 24/7" on the map.

"Here's the Sundries shop, it's called Sundries, not Gift Shop so don't get confused!" and she writes "Sundrees" on the map, right next to "Sundries" which is already on said map.

OK, I get the picture, I think.

She goes on to tell me all the other places of interest in the Trop. You'd think that wouldn't take very long because this place is a shithole, but it did. She even went on to explain that "all the local calls I can make are only a DOLLAR-A-DAY, so make sure to call all my friends". My cell sitting on the counter didn't clue her in to my telecom capability.

You know what? Now I have wasted more time typing this than it took. Screw it, I'm gonna go play cards.

Live from the Trop

2006-01-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Here, stuck on the first of many lines. Does mobile blogging work?

We'll see...

New blogue

2006-01-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

First post from phone. Will it work?

On the Road to CES

2006-01-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm flying out today from Oakland for CES. Why Oakland? Cuz I waited till a week before CES to make my plans and I'm lucky not to be driving to Vegas. As it is, I am on Mesa Airlines and I have never even heard of Mesa airlines. I think the plane is flown by someone named "Mesa".

(Note to self: Ask friend named Mesa if he owns a plane.)

I'm staying at the Trop and rumor has it (well, their website has it), they gots a cardroom. Doesn't really matter to me, the MGM is across the street one way, the Excalibur the other. Both will keep me satisfied.

The MGM has a SWEET card room with the only live rotation game I have ever seen under $100-$200. I played $3-6 (might have been $4-8) PHORSE their when I was on the boy's trip back in September (Pineapple, Hold'em, Omaha, Razz, Stud, Stud 8/b). We almost got the dealer to deal "Indian Sweat" (more politically correctly called "Bind Man's Bluff", or even more PC "Non-Sighted Man's Bluff") but the pit boss put the kaibosh on it. But that's another story.

In any case, very nice room but I find the tables a little tight (I'm a big dude and don't like people sitting on or too close to me...at least not men in a cardroom. Not that Brokeback Mountain wasn't a great film, I just don't ride that side of the range.).

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, cardrooms.

So I like MGM, tables too small, but nice. Excalibur I like because of the fun low-limit spread hold'em game they have ($2-8 I think) and the no-ante stud game. And the Luxor is attached with the most "money!" no-limit hold'em game in Vegas.

Think I'll hit them all.

Boy's Vegas Trip

2006-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

So I never wrote a full post on what happened during our (sure-to-be) annual boy's poker trip to Vegas back in September (see incoherent attempts to post live via CrackBerry). And I probably won't.

You know: what goes, stays.

Suffice it to say we had a great time. I may update with some classic moments (my blind straddle re-raise at a drunken 2-4 table just to wake up with AA, drinking "Blue Muthafukahs" with Craig, etc.) if I have spare time during this week's trip to Vegas...

Stay tuned.

live [via blackberry] from Vegas

2005-09-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

* won $75 in 45 minutes of no limit at MGM before lunch. Dopey dude kept calling me with second pair. Thankee!

* now sitting at excalibur prison poker 1/3 game. My AA cracked by 59 who called for a raise. I did not go. Campbell on his ass.

live [via blackberry] poker update

2005-09-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Couples Poker: Looking for Order in Chaos

2005-08-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

A relatively large group of us in the Willow Glen area in San Jose engage in a semi-monthly extravaganza called "Couples Poker". Admittedly this is not nearly as exciting as the couples parties of the mid-1970s, but then most of us already have all the Tupperware we need (thought I was going somewhere else, you sick puppy, huh?)

Couples Poker is should really be called something else since couples don't play as such and often attendees are single (or just wish they were.) Perhaps I'll come up with a snappier name for it, but for now this will do:

Short Bus Poker

If you get it, great, if not I won't explain it.

Those of us who play a lot (OK, mostly the men in the group) find this game unfathomably chaotic. We have no idea what the hell other people are playing, and as such, we find it very difficult to play our own hands. We've pondered startegies over beers from "any 2 will do" to playing unbelievably tight (i.e. only entering the pot with AA, KK, QQ, AK etc.)

You see in "real poker" your opponent (who theoretically has some basic understanding of the game, however bad), gives off clues to what they have primarily by how they bet or call. "Movie Tells", like listening to the opening of an Oreo (rent Rounders), are RARE. In "real poker", if a guy raises before the flop, he's got something. If he raises after, he thinks he's still good or at he's feigning it. Fair enough, thank you for the info.

The basic premise above is that the player has some understanding of what his/her hand is, so you- the astute player- can make a read of what he/she's got based on that understanding. This premise falls apart in Short Bus Poker because of "Mitch's Short Bus Poker Theorem #1":

"In order for you to read what a player might have, that player must be themself know what they have."

If this sounds familiar to those of you who have read some poker books, it is an homage to Sklansky's Fundamental Theorem of Poker (from his seminal work The Theory of Poker):

"Every time you play a hand differently from the way you would have played it if you could see all your opponents' cards, they gain; and every time you play your hand the same way you would have played it if you could see all their cards, they lose. Conversely, every time opponents play their hands differently from the way they would have if they could see all your cards, you gain; and every time they play their hands the same way they would have played if they could see all your cards, you lose."

So back to my Theorem, in simpler terms, if your opponent has no fucking clue what they've got, you sure-as-shit aren't going to know.

But how did I get here (hand slaps head in best David Byrne impression)? Why am I writing this? Where an I going?

Last Saturday night I dealt at a Couples Poker Night. Same group as usual, but this time me and some of my poker buddies donated our time to run the party in order to raise money for our local school system. (I guess the Governator will get around to funding the school system sooner or later- once he gets done pumping himself- but until then we need to beg.) While dealing, I got to really observe how people played. This was especially insightful when I got to see their hands in advance (I would occasionally look at the cards if a player had stepped off for a beer...I'd play their hand for them.)

This summarizes what I observed about starting cards:

Any two cards are worth playing for virtually any raise, at least in the early rounds.

A face card of any kind in the hole pretty great and worth playing for any amount at any time. Savvier players might fold a jack if it is not with another big card and the pot has been raised, but this is not a common occurance.

Any two suited cards are expected to make a flush and as such, must be played.

An Ace in the hole is the stone-cold-nuts regardless of what it is paired with.

Nothing is worth a raise, but pretty much anything is worth a call.

Let's think about that for a moment....

Got it?

This means your opponent has any two cards that came off the deck. You haven't got a god-damned clue what is in their hand. And if you remember my first theorem, neither do they. This brings up Mitch's Second Theorem of Short Bus Poker:

"While your opponent may not know what they have, you can be sure they have any two random cards that came off the deck. No matter how much money you bet, they are just as likely to call with 7-2 as they are with A-A. Use this information wisely."

The really astute reader (or at least one that has seen Jurassic Park a few dozen times) will quickly see the parallel to chaos theory. In chaos theory, the output of a system can be wildly non-linear with the input. A butterfly flapping its wings in Beijing causes a hurricane in Texas, is the classic example. In normal poker, a large bet tends to narrow the field of hands you might compete against to ones you could readily charactize and read. An expected output to an expected input. Not so in Short Bus Poker: it is chaotic in the extreme (although I am hoping my dealing did not cause Katrina...)

On Saturday night, I saw pre-flop raises (almost always by guys with pocket pairs or big suited connectors) instantly called by many folks at the table. Callers held a variety of hands from 7-4 unsuited to A-A. I'm serious, I saw all of these. The only raise that got any respect at all was ALL-IN with a big stack (and I gotta give props to Eric S. for getting this and push with AA early in the game.)

This begs the question, why raise pre-flop at all? You're not going to get any info from the raise and you're not going to thin the field. Putting in a massive raise just builds a massive pot for someone to suck out on you with bottom 2 pair, right? Well, probably.

I think you should raise with a really good starting hand. A little nudge raise, like 3-4x the big blind should suffice. It won't get anyone out of the pot, but it will sweeten the pot if you stay ahead.

But really BIG raises? Forget it. Best case you'll be a 4-1 fav before the flop if you get everyone but one other player out (which you won't). Consider this sobering factoid:

In a random 5 way hand with AK, J10, Q9, 44 and 7-5 (offsuit) big slick (AK) is only a 5% favorite over J10 and Q9, a 9% fav over 4-4 and a little over a 2-1 fav over that skanky 7-5 off-suit. (If you change big slick to AA, you become a 2-1 favorite over everyone, but still not huge.) So how lucky are you feeling now, punk?

Restated as Mitch's 3rd Theorem of Short Bus Poker:

"If you're raising massively pre-flop to improve your odds of winning a hand, you should seek professional help immediately because you're probably hitting the meth too hard."

The corrollary to this Theorem involves bluffing:

"Oh yeah, and if you're bluffing by betting to get people out of hand, you've moved beyong meth to China White or something worse." (I will call this corrollary "Campbell's Law" in honor of who prompted me to write it.)

So your only goal pre-flop should be to sweeten the pot, not thin the field. An alien concept to many of us.

And what did I see after the flop? Behavior fell in to several categories:

"Wow, Two (or More) of My Cards Match Two (or More) of the Cards on the Flop". This was usually characterized by calling any bet.

"Wild Optimism". This generally occurred when no pair/draw occurred but the player still had a face card or better in their hand. It didn't generally matter if a larger face card (or Ace) was on the board. This was usually characterized by calling any bet.

"I Don't Have a Face Card and My Cards Don't Match". This was often characterized by a call, but sometimes by a fold.

Get that? You're opponent could have the stone-cold-nuts and you'll probably only be called. Please review Theorem One. You have no fucking clue what they have (and neither do they), right? Well, maybe not.

An example may help:

You have JJ on the button. You nudge raise it 3x the BB and 5 people call. You have no idea what they have.

Flop comes 6-4-10. Everyone checks (normal behavior), you raise half the pot. Three callers.

At this point, you should be putting your players on "I got something, however small" or "I got a face card, maybe an Ace".

Turn comes K. Everyone checks, you bet half the pot again. Two callers. You probably just got whacked by K-4 or K-6 or K-10 or 4-6 or the like.

River comes 9, everyone checks, you go all in.

...and lose to 10-6.

Hopefully you missed the player with the 10-6 when you whipped your cards at him/her. Otherwise you might not get re-invited and you'll miss out on the Ho-Hos.

How would a Short Bus savvy player have lost less money on this hand (cuz you know you're gonna lose):

Betting the innocuous flop is OK, but keep the bet pretty small, maybe 2x the BB. The calls should put up some radar.

When the K hit, just check it. Sure, you're giving off a signal as to your hand, but who the hell is gonna pick up that transmission?

Check the river too, if you win, great. But mostly you'll lose.

So how the hell do you play these tourneys, you might ask? Well, I think I stumbled upon the answer the other night in another SB event I played in (finished 2nd). Basically it comes down to:

Play super-tight pre-flop.

Check or minimally bet any marginal hands you might have (top pair, boss kicker I would consider marginal).

Value bet when you've got the nuts or close to it (top 2 pair, nut flush, boat, etc.)

You should never get in a situation where you need to fold a big hand since no one will ever put much pressure on you.

Avoid confrontations with experienced players or maniacs until very late in the game.

And most importantly, follow Mitch's Short Bus Theorem Number 4:

"If one of the Short Busser's raises, get the fuck out of the pot now, cuz they're packing the nuts."

The MTV VMA Awards Suck

2005-08-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I'll take a break from playing poker or reading poker books or watching poker on TV and do something else (actually, right now I am on a break from a tournament that started with 1318 players, I am in 5th with 136 players left...cross your fingers.) Well last night, I had the extreme intestinal displeasure of watching the MTV Video Music Awards, or VMAs for short.

Now I used to dig MTV. I was a kid when the infamous "Man on the Moon" rocked across my ancient analog cable box (the kind where you could tune the Playboy Channel with one of Dad's tiny Philips heads and some ingenuity.) I still check in from time-to-time, more to catch Xibit pimping out someone's ancient Bondo-sculpture-Fiat with a 46" plasma than anything else. God knows, there's not a stich of music to be found.

So I had some hopes that on the VMAs I might catch iwhat the young folks is lizzenin to, see if Snoop Dogg's blingage be fashizzle (and if he was sitting with Lee Iaccoca, his new golf buddy), and root for Kelly Clarkson because she's just so damn nice.

The show started off well enough, with Green Day (who may well be the World's Greatest Band right now) doing a kicking version of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Some might say Coldplay are the WGB, but I think not (I'll cast judgement on them later.)

I should have turned off my TV right after the last note of the opening act. The show was that bad. So fucking bad, in fact, P. Diddy owes me 3 hours of my life back- or at least a new watch.

Did I say P. Diddy? I meant Diddy. I guess his old first name was too hard to spell for most of his friends.

Lowlights (the tournament has restarted and I need to concentrate):

Diddy is a juvenile, self absorbed fake-gansta dingus. His little talk about how he's going to "keep the show clean" followed by saying "We're not going to use words like muthafuka, beeatch, yada yada" (of course all bleeped) so god-damned funny and original I almost stuck a knife in my own thigh. Great stuff, Diddy. Guess you never owned a George Carlin record.
To reinforce P's "didiocy" he went on some time later to introduce his various children and their "Baby Mama's" who were in the audience. Nice! You should be proud your kids heard you say "muthafucka" to 20 million people. Damn, where'd I put that knife?
Didy's dancing sucked. I know because I watch "So You Think You Can Dance?"
All the rappers sucked ... and I like rap and hip-hop! Ludicris' "Pimpin All Over the World"? Sucked! Snoop Dogg and some dude to busy to show up so he sang on the screen (maybe he was in the joint)? Sucked! Fitty Cent? Actually he was OK. All the rest sucked.
Demonstration of "Crunk" dancing? Well it might have been good it the DIPSHIT MTV EDITORS SHOWED ANY OF IT. Seriously, they were bent on showing Usher scratching his ass or utterly bored audience members rather than the very talented dancers on stage.
M.C. Hammer? Guess he got off early from his shift at Taco Bravo in Oakland and had a few minutes to reprise "Can't Touch This". Awesome. Seriously, where's that knife.
Coldplay: I am now too bored and numb to use a knife on my thigh. Seriously dudes, write something new and uptempo. Is Gwenneth Paltrow in a coma yet? Is their child named Apple because she sprung from a performing plant? What's the deal?

Highlights:

Green Day
Kelly Clarkson being a total goofball and saying she "didn't have a posse" so she brought along a friend.
The Reggaeton segment with Daddy Yankee and some other dudes who's names I couldn't pronounce. I have already download "Gasolina" and put it on my iPod. Who knows what the hell they're saying, but that's true of all rap, Spanglish or not.

And the VMA for Best Performance goes to my TiVo remote who made the whole thing go away in less than 75 minutes...

Sometimes the River Ends Abrubtly: Niagara Falls Trip report

2005-08-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have a meeting in Toronto on Monday and the PGA Championship final round is on Sunday so this can mean only one thing: fly in to Buffalo to play poker in Niagara Falls on Saturday so I can be somewhere with a TV for Sunday. Obvious, right?

But seriously, I had a Monday meeting in Ottawa the day after the British Open final round and, of course, I missed it due to a delayed red-eye flight. I really wanted to see this one, so I took no chances and flew out Saturday. Gotta have your priorities straight!

And now I am sitting in my lovely hotel room in Missasagua (sp? who cares) near Pearson Airport (I didn't fly in, since aparently they cannot stop on the runway here) and they have suspended play for the second time with Phil in the lead at -5. When will they restart? Well, fuck me, it's right when my meeting starts at 10AM tomorrow. Go figure.

Back to the more interesting (only slightly) part of my trip...

I got in to Buffalo around 5PM after pulling an all-nighter on Friday. Why sleep when you need to be up at 4AM? (To stay awake I played 2 long tournamnets on line and won a 45 person $1 buy-in NLHE and came in 2nd in a $5/8 person Stud 8b, but not on PokerRoom...)

I drove from lovely Buffalo directly to Niagara Falls, NY where I knew there to be an Elk's Lodge. I'd checked on-line in advance thinking it might be a good place to hang out and watch some golf. It took some searching, and 2 calls to the lodge for directions, but finally I found it.

Let's just say, I think the Elks national saved some dough by hiring the same architect for the San Jose lodge and the Niagara lodge.

They weren't identical, but clearly sprung from the same 1960s era aesthetic. The Niagara lodge was a bit smaller than ours but they have their priorities straight.

Two-thirds of the place is bar.

A great big huge bar with about 30 tables. Dark, dank, they way I like it. Unfortunately there was only one small TV and the locals were deeply in to the last few minutes of Jaws 2. I told them the shark died and they were crestfallen by my spoiler. Apparently it was a first run movie in Niagara.

There were only 3 people in the lodge: Melissa (a 26 year old member and the bartender), Mark (a late 30's protoypical Upstate New Yorker) and Gary (I'm guessing late 50s).

These folks were very nice and refused to take my money for any drinks. They even gave me a lodge pin to take back to San Jose. (I need to send them a #522 pin with a thank you note, if I remember). They were so nice I would feel dirty if I ragged on them here, so (uncharacteristically) I won't.

Turns out there's only about 300 members and shrinking in the lodge. The local economy was in a tailspin, they said, until the local Indian casinos opened (seems NAFTA shipped all the jobs to Canada).

By the time we got to the subject of local casinos, we had watched a little golf and were now on to some NY poker tournament on The Yankee Network (yes, when you're worth that much money you can have your own station too). The two guys at the bar were commenting on how they would play each hand and it was a hoot. I mentioned how I was going to play that night in Canada.

Mark says: "You should play at the Seneca Casino, they have a really nice poker room". Now I had seen the Seneca Casino whilst searching for the lodge and it was on the US side. I really had my heart set on Canada (and my hotel was there) but I thought I could play a few hands on the way.

Then Gary says: "But we're playing here around 9 tonight, why don't you join us?" Now show tunes are going off in my head after listening to their commentary for the past few minutes. This could be some seriously easy money. Then the angel on my shoulder says "do you really want to take some union dude's money from an economically depressed region of New York who is your Elk brother and just bought you a beer?" Of course, I did!

Kidding.

I begged out of there around 7PM and headed for the Seneca Casino. Nice Elken in Niagara, definitely stop in next time you're here.

The Seneca Casino is attached to what appears to be the biggest, and nicest, building in Niagara Falls NY. It's a tall glass and steel building with an enormous grey, dark grey, darker grey inverted chevron pattern eminating from the top floor; remiscent of a Native American rug pattern. But it was the interior I was really interested in.

I entered the casino on a mezzanine level from the parking garage. There was a huge, arching dark brown ceiling that gave the interior the look of a tribal lodge. Looking down, my first impression was: "I have died and gone to gambler's hell."

The sports-arena sized cavern was full of slot machines, as far as the eye could see. I have NEVER seen so many in one place, nothing in Vegas is close. It's probable that some other casino somewhere has more slots but I have never seen them so jammed in. I was afraid my Elk brothers thought I meant video poker when I asked them where to play. Oh well, the parking was free...

I wandered around the ground floor to the table games area. I think there were 2 blackjack, 4 roulette and maybe 6 random games (Spanish 21, Pai Gow, etc.). That's it. And this room is probably two football fields or more. Against hope, I asked the pit boss if they had a poker room: they did!

The Seneca poker room was mercifully in a different part of the casino well away from any slot machines. The room had about 14 tables with the following games: $2/4 limit hold'em (LHE), $5/10 LHE, $1/2 No-Limit Hold'em (NLHE), $2/5 NLHE, $5/10 NLHE, $1-5 Stud and $3-6 Omaha Hi Lo.

I put my name on every game. The guys behind me said jovially "you just wanna get a game!" Indeed, I did. I chatted with them for a few moments and found out they were Canadian and at the Seneca because "the Canadian poker room suck, eh?" Well, they didn't really add the "eh" part, but they did say the Canadian rooms were poorly run and featured wait times in excess of 3 hours. Damn, glad I came here.

The (cute and friendly) girl running the board handed me one of those LED coaster buzzers and sent me off to wait for a table. I was told it would be about an hour. Damn. Out to the slot machines I went.

I didn't really want to play slots, but the lowest table game was $15 blackjack. I hate blackjack, especially more than $5 blackjack, so I played video poker.

And quickly lost $40. One $20 disappeared when I hit the wrong button (I believe it was labeled "sucker with poor eyesight, push here"). Pissed off, I wandered back to the poker room. I had about another 15 minutes to wait in their big, comfy leather lounge chairs, then I was called up for $1/2 no-limit.

It was $100 buy-in max and I quickly won a couple of pots with big pre-flop raises followed, if necessary, by half-pot sized raises. There was a 20-comething couple sitting across from me; the girl obviously had no idea what she was doing, and the guy had on a hockey jesrsey, baseball cap and mirrored Oakley shades. Classic! I was up about $50 when the following two hands hit, back to back.

In the small blind I am dealt pocket Aces. The whole table calls for $2 by the time it gets to me (pretty typical, except for me). I raise to $8. Two callers.

Flop is K-rag-rag and I am psyched. I am hoping someone with KJ, or the like, just made top pair. I check. It gets checked around. DAMN.

Turn is a K. Oh shit. Anyone slow-playing top pair just got trips. Now I need to move. I bet out $15. Everyone folds, thank god.

Next hand, on the button, I get AA again! The whole table fishes again and I raise to $12. Two callers. (BTW, the odds of AA twice in a row is like 44000-1).

The flop comes JJ8. DAMN, DAMN. It is checked to me, I check. Turn is a rag and one of the two remaining players goes all-in for $35. I had seen this guy bluff at a couple of pots. I thought for about 30 seconds, then called.

Jersey-Hat-Mirrored Shades dude turns over Jack-Eight suited. The guy called a 5x big blind raise with a friggin' J8. I needed an Ace. It never came.

In retrospect, I probably should have tossed by Aces, but I really thought he had A-8 or something like that (he showed a propensity for playing little Aces). Oh well.

One more hand kicked me in the nads, or I should say, I kicked myself in the nads. I had 3-4 of diamonds and chased a straight, flush and straight flush down to the river where I hit the flush. I was pretty sure I was the only one to hit it because everyone checked to the bettor. The bettor bet out $15 and I raised to $30. Then he pushed all in (over $300 and way covered me).

What could I do? I had a pretty shitty flush, what I failed to see was the board was paired. Why did I miss it? Because I was so fixated on making my flush.

I folded, face up, saying "I guess your flush it better". He says, "it is" , and flips over 5-2 for a 55222 full house. Good fold, Mitch, you fuck. Ever think of looking at the board, or just calling? It was a terrible call to raise when I could easily have had 2nd best hand.

I had to reload another $60 and eventually ground myself back to "only" $40 down. The two biggest fish at the table left (including mirror-guy and his chick from whom I won back all my money) just before my name was called for Omaha, so I left and moved to that game.

Before I left though, we got into an "argument" about how much the minimum raise is in NLHE. I put argument in quotes, because this poker room might have been the friendliest I have played in. Many locals, but very nice (except for mirror dude who liked to stare me down ESPN style...)

What happened is, someone raised a $2 blind up to $12 total (a $10 raise) and another guy called by throwing in 4 red chips (1 more than needed). Big, loud dude (not in the hand) yells "he raised!" even though the guy did not want to. The guy was allowed to take his extra chip back but one of the locals kept going on about how the raise should stand (he did this in a jovial New Yorker fashion, but he was a bit annoying). The rule is you must double the previous raise. By my math, the previous raise was $10 ($2+$10) so the next player would need to raise another $10 for a total bet of $22.

Several of us tried to explain this "loud dude" but he would not listen. His buddy, the new dealer (the hand was long over) backed him up. This would have made the guy who threw in 4 reds liable for a raise had this guy been dealing at the time. Finally, just to shut Big Loud (but Nice!) Guy up, the floor came over and 'splained to him the bet would need to be $22 to be a full raise. He had a nice serving of humble pie.

Anyway, I moved over to Omaha and promptly won a bunch of money by making really long shot calls on the turn and rivering-out clearly better players. I didn't care, it's Niagara and river runs seriously wild. I also won a few pots by playing well, but mostly I was lucky.

But now this trip report is way too long, the PGA is not coming back on and I need some dinner.

Results:

$160 + $40 (video poker) in, $290 out: up $90. And I had a ton of fun.

I was out of there by 1130 and, after a late dinner of Buffalo wings (could I have anything else?), and a 30 minute wait at the border, I hit the sack at 130 AM. I won't bore you with the terrorist cell I discovered running "America's Best Inn 'n' Suites" in Canada. (How did I know they were terrorists? Because of the ironic name of their hotel, that's how!)

I Quit on PokerRoom

2005-08-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Before posting my Buffalo trip report I thought I should summarize my PokerRoom quest with: I QUIT.

Just too many suckouts, bad beats and me steaming like a bowl of miso soup. I don't know how Jesus Ferguson did it, it mut have been a long time ago before the net was full of hacks who will call with any 2-outer...

Tournament Time

2005-08-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well I took a break from the grind at PokerRoom (I am up $10 since my reload) and played in a large $5.50 NLHE tournament at PokerStars.

What a blast!

It was a turbo tournament where blinds go up every 5 minutes. At the end (for me) the blinds were $20,000/$40,000 with $2,000 antes. I was all in so many times I was getting felt burns. SICK!

Here's the results:

PokerStars Tournament #10686478, No Limit Hold'em

Buy-In: $5.00/$0.50

1221 players

Total Prize Pool: $6105.00 

Dear makahn64, 

You finished the tournament in 15th place.

A $48.85 award has been credited to your Real Money account.

You earned 155.20 tournament leader points in this tournament.

Next up, an Omaha Hi/Lo tourney in 7 minutes...

RELOAD

2005-08-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

OK, I cannot end the quest after one really bad friggin' day. It is quite ironic that the day I start the blog I loose all my fucking money...

I have reloaded $50 in PokerRoom and I will stay away from the gutter limits and try to grind up from there. Just to break even now I must:

Win $20 for the last $20 and $13 for the Neteller reamage fee
So I need to get to $83.

Here we go!

Update #5: Blow by Blow

2005-08-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

Starting with $9.10.

Post 0.25 one off the BB- dealt J-3 os. Check and button raises to $2. FOLD
UTG dealt 6-5os. FOLD.
BB dealt 2-2, bet is raised to $1.45. FOLD. (Would not have hit, a straight won).
SB dealt Q-5os, raised to $1. FOLD.
DOWN to $8.45 due to blinds.
Button dealt 10d-6d. FOLD. (A-A-7 flop no diamonds)
Cut off dealt Q-4os. FOLD. (K-8-5 rainbow)
MP dealt Js-10c. CALL 0.25, raised to 0.50 call. Flop is all hearts and I am gone.
DOWN to $7.95.

AdQs, raise $1 one caller. Flop comes As-6s-5d. I raise 3 and am called. Turn is a seeming blank and I go all in. CALL. River is a 9 giving DOUCHEBAG a straight.

I AM OUT OF MONEY.

Update #4: I Suck

2005-08-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am down to $9. I suck. I blow. I suck and blow.

I won't bore you with a long history of bad beats and suckouts, but you add that to me steaming off a shitload of chips and here I am.

I don't think I have won a significant pot in 30 hours.

Here's a small list of bad beats:

Ace high flush beaten by a straight flush. I saw it on the board before pushing all in, but didn't really think it could happen. Bammo, out of a tournament.
AK all in preflop to AA. This happened twice.
AA (mine) vs. 10-2. 10 on the flop, 10 on the river.

And I have lost count of how many AK, AQ, AJs turned into nothing and how many JJ, QQ saw A or K on the flop- or worse- on the river. How many jerkoffs called down with overcards just to suck me out on the river.

Now, I know these bad plays by other guys in the long-run add up to money for me- but damn it- I need that money now or my quest will be over. If this were my regular home game, I'd just play one of my regular "Mitch Needs to Win Back Some Money" dealer's choice games and move on. Now if I could just get PokerRoom to offer Thermonuclear Pineapple...

I have decided to play 0.25-0.25 NLHE with my last $9 and try to grind it. We'll see...

Update #3: Killed

2005-08-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

What a shitty night. I didn't even play bad, just had every crappy suckout known to man.

I finally gave up playing suck-out cash and played a tournament.

And got sucked out.

My JJ was ahead all the way to the river when AK hit his king. Left me with just $310 vs. blinds of $50/$100. Went all in with A-5 and lost.

Down to $47. Brutal.

You know what's worse? I watched about an hour of Anchorman while playing. Now that is some serious-ass insult-to-injury.

Update #2: $77

2005-08-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Dropped $5 at 0.25/0.50 after a run of really horrible cards and bad beats. It's cool. I move to a $0.50/$1 LHE table since all the 0.25 games are full. $10 is a little over the 10% rule ($6.5 would be right), but I am feeling nutty.

First hand I am dealt K-J os posting behind the button. I raise and pick-up the blinds. Woo-hoo! I am up to $10.75. I haven't seen good cards for the next few deals. I'll spare the play-by-play and post again later.

Right now, me and the wife are gonna kick back with a little "Rockstar: INXS". I know it's sick, but I love it.

WHOOP. KK in the BB, hold tight! Nice, despite a flush scare, pulled down an $11 pot. Damn, pissed some of it back to some joker who held on with 10-10 when the flop had both overcards and a flush. Everyone else fell for my bluff but him (I did have the K of clubs for the nut flush but it didn't come in.) The note I put next to this guy is:

"Calls flush and overcards with 10-10. DOPE."

Anyway, now I am up to $13 so I am down $2 on the night. Wife's calling, gotta take a break.

But before I can take the break, I get KK again. Another scare, but another won pot. I am at $77 and stop for now.

Online Poker Challenge Update #1: Tripled Up

2005-08-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

Here's where I sit with the online poker challenge (I really need a catchy name):

I deposited $20 on July 23, 2005. Yes, I know this is before I started blogging about it, but I just got the blog idea the other day.
As of the evening of 1-August-2005 I am at $70.90.

I inadvertently reset the lifetime stats counter, but here are my hold'em stats:

Hands Played: 684
Playing Time: 25hrs 24m
Total won: $14.45 (I'll explain later)
$/hour: $0.57 (a Republican living wage!)
Pre-flop fold %: 54% (way too loose, I'll explain as well)

OK, so first, I know this looks like I play all day, every day- I do not. But I often have PR running in the background when I am doing email, market research, surfing porn, etc. at night. (All right, I don't do that much market research.) PR goes "beep" when it is my turn to fold. In fact, it is running right now. When I beeps, I comment on the hand.

[I just sat down at table "Kopenhagen" a $0.25-$0.5 limit HE table. I bought in for $5 of my $70.

I post behind the button and am dealt Q-5 off-suit. It gets raised and re-raised to $0.75 before it gets to me and I chuck it.]

As for the pre-flop fold percentage of 54% I know I look REALLY loose. A decent player should be above 70% on this stat (fold 7 of 10 hands pre-flop). PokerRoom does not factor in times I just check the big blind, which is a lot in loose passive games like you find at low limits. So I am going to say this is about 8% of the time putting me at 62%, still a bit low. I am not too worried about this, though, because the games are so unaggressive you can usually see a flop cheap with hands like A-3 suited that I would chuck in tougher games. But I still want this stat to go up (i.e. fold more).

[Next hand, KJos in late position. A bunch of calls to me and a raise with a fairly mediocre hand. 8 callers. Hey, it is online poker at its best. Flop is crapola but I call a bet with 2 overcards (leak!). Turn brings me a gutshot straight draw (I have K-Q-J-9) and I am getting 10-1 by the time the betting gets to me. A guttie comes in 11-1 so I am not quite getting my odds, but I call anyway- and lose. Now I am down to $3.50.]

Next question: if you've won only $14 where did the other $36 come from? A few places, first I did nuke some of my stats and some of the profit was in there. Second, I bought in to a $5 SnG (sit-and-go) tournament which I won (after being down to the felt). I bought in when I was over $40 so it was never more than 10% of the bankroll. Third, I broke the rules and played a few sessions of $1-2 stud where I won about $10.

[6-8 offsuit in the small blind (SB). It's jacked to $.50 and I toss it. K-5 os on the button, I check it, too many callers. A few more folders and I am sitting at a pre-flop fold percentage of 82%. Unfortunately, I am also down to $3.10 this session. I need CARDS.]

So there you have, updates later after tonight's session...

Which Online Poker Site?

2005-08-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

My first task in my online adventure is to pick a site. I've played on four so far:

Pacific Poker, my first poker site, might be a decent choice. Software is OK, games were fairly easy. The only problem is I can't remember my username or password, so screw it, Pacific's out.
Poker Stars, was my second site. I tried Stars after having a very long conversation with some random dude I sat next to on a plane. He saw me reading "Hold'em for Advanced Players" (HEAP for those cool enough to know) and a 3 hour discussion ensued. (I invited him to my buddy's game that very night and the fucker took down the $300 first place payout. I damn near got banned.) Anyway, he recommended it for having the best software, choice of games, etc. and he was right. Only problem is the players are quite good, and that is incompatible with my goal. I still have about $105 bucks over there for playing the $5 SnGs (sit and gos) I like so much. And it is the only place to find a populated $0.50-$1.00 Stud 8/b game on line. You can find me there as "makahn64".
PokerRoom, was my third site. I deposited about $20 there one night when I was travelling for business and the only computer I had was my Crapple iBook. I was jonesin' for a game and PokerRoom was the only one that supported Macs (through a crappy Java applet). Anyway, I won my very first SnG on PokerRoom (actually my very first bet on PokerRoom to be specific) and I was in love. I quickly ran my $20 up to a gynourmous $80 and cashed out $60. I quikly lost the remainder playing $1-2 stud far too loosley. It turns out PR has some of the crappiest players on the net. Could be the winner.
Full Tilt Poker, was my forth site. I dropped a $100 in FTP primarily to play in a weekly private HORSE tournament run by some folks I know on the 2+2 Forums (www.twoplustwo.com). I never could remember when the tournament was though and managed to drop the full $100 playing a variety of games poorly. The tournaments were soft, but in the cash games I was softer. And there were a number of complete assholes playing $2-4 stud on the site. And they never had their statistics software working, so this was a real problem if you're trying to track such things.

So it really came down to FTP or PokerRoom. I have ended up going with PR because I really needed the stats. Poker Stars has much better stats, but I need soft competition.

The decision now was how much to start with?

$1 did not seem reasonable since Neteller would probably jack me for like $12 in fees. Talk about reverse implied odds. In addition, PR does not have the submicronlimit games Stars has (0.01-0.02) so I need some bankroll.

$100 seems like too much temptation for me. I might jump into some no limit games, swing for the fences, get popped.

$20 sounds about right. I could start out in some 0.25-0.50 limit hold'em games and work my way up from there.

I already had deposited the $20 in PokerRoom previously (actually a reload after pissing away $20 a couple of weeks ago) and have been grinding it ever since. In my next blog, I'll tell you where I am at and what I have been playing.

I'm sure it will mind-fuckingly exciting.

Quest for Cash: A Reason to Blog (Finally)

2005-07-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was reading a new poker book (shocking) called "Aces and Kings" which covers a different famous player in each chapter. In the section on Chris "Jesus" Ferguson the book metioned he deposited $1 in an online poker account and- without ever risking more than 10% of his bankroll- he ran it up to $10K over the span of a couple of months.

Wow.

First of all, for a player of Ferguson's mettle to be grinding out pots in a 0.01-0.02 game is just a sick waste of time. But I guess if you're not shaving or getting haircuts, you have a few spare minutes a day. But second, and more importantly, this seemed like a supreme challenge. A veritable Everest for the point, click and curse set.

OK, so now I have a purpose: try to replicate this feat. And you, dear imaginary reader, can come along for the ride.

There's a reason it's called a RIVERboat

2005-07-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

I finally have something marginally worth writing about on my blog. Here goes.

So I am on my way home from business in Ottawa last Thursday night when my Air Canada flight is delayed 2 hours taking off for Chicago. Apparently the delay was for bad weather and not, as I initially suspected, for my bad judgement upon entering Canada. Bad judgment, you say, what could he possibly mean?

Well, let me start my tale with my semi-colossal poor judgement with regards to the Canadian border patrol folks. You see, I have been to Canada 4 times in the last 5 months for business, 3 of those times on an expired passport (I lost my good one). Every time the border folks were very jovial and forgiving. My luck ran out this time.

I had, in fact, a shiny new passport but I was feeling extremely cranky from lack of sleep the previous couple of days. I happened to draw the lady border agent practicing for a job at Ben Gurion airport (if you've been to Tel Aviv, you know what I mean). Anyway, she asked me one too many times "once again, sir, what kind of meetings are you here for?" (marketing meeting wasn't cutting it.)

"I'm actually here to plot the overthrow of the Canadian goverment", I said with my favorite shit-eating grin. Whoops, did that really come out of my mouth?

It had.

She pulled out the big, nasty stamper and a red Sharpie to boot and started assaulting my paperwork like a Mountie digging in to a Tim Horton's bag (click the link, baby, if you haven't been to Canada much).

"Did I just land 20 in the big house?" I asked.

"Please go to the immigration line" she intoned. "Pucker up, beeatch" was implied.

So I go to Immigration expecting the rubber glove and was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by the normal jovial border agents I am used to. "Marketing Meeting" sounded just fine to them and I kept my secret plans to liberate the Canadian people from tyranny of the Queen of England to myself. Now back to the riverboat...

I land in Chicago 2 hours late and am told upon exiting the plane that my connecting flight to SFO has left. I later come to find it has not left, but I am now way to far from the gate to make it (thank you very kindly, United-friggin-code-share-Air-Canada-dot-fucked). I accept my fate, experienced business traveller that I am, and wait fruitlessly for a seat on the next SFO flight. But all the while, a plan was hatching in my head.

I knew that there were poker rooms on the Illinois/Indiana border because of a certain blonde dealer I got to know during an exceedingly long loosing session at Binions in Vegas (see other trip report). With my handy-dandy Crackberry I tricorded the distance at a scant 30 miles from the airport. I'll just rent a car or take a cab. How much could this possibly cost me in cab fare, like $60? Done!

First I book my homebound flight. Thanks to the 4th of July weekend I cannot get a flight anywhere near the Bay Area on Friday. The best they can do is LA. It sucks, but from there I can grab a Southwest flight and get home. Sold.

So I go down to baggage claim and jump on the Hertz bus. They tell me "get the fuck off and jam your gold card up yer arse , there's no cars", well maybe it wasn't quite that harsh but it felt that way. Off to the cab line.

I hop in a cab with 2 other dudes driven by some guy who clearly just got out of a training camp in Pakistan. But he claimed to know how to get to Harrah's in Indiana and, apparently, where these other 2 dudes were going was on the way. At least I think he said that. It's entirely possible he thought I said I wanted to go to "Allah's" instead of "Harrah's", who knows.

After about $45 in cab fare we drop the other guys off and head for Indiana. At the toll both in East Chicago, Indiana, he has this exchange with the toll taker (who I must say, looked and sounded amazingly like Aretha Franklin's character in "The Blues Brothers".)

"Verzda Kazeeno?" he asks in something akin to Ack-Ack from "Team America".

"What?" says the friendly toll taker.

"VerzDA KAzeeNO?" he repeats changing up the emphasis.

"I don't know what you're saying" she says in her best multicultural awareness tone of voice. I think she would have said "fuck off" if she weren't afraid the van was packed with plastique.

"CASINO, HARRAH'S CASINO" I shout from the back.

"I dunno" she says.

The cabbie drives on. He gets on the phone and apparently the members of his cell also do not know where Harrah's is. Neither does anyone else in Indiana. This includes, in order:

The bellman at The Horseshoe who at least informed me it was now Resorts International and gave me god awful directions towards it.
The girl at the gas station who nicely gave me directions directly back to The Horseshoe (which does not have live poker).
Anyone else at The Horsehoe a hotel apparently staffed by the victims of severe lead poisoning (have you seen Lake Michigan?)

I had Muahmar drop me off (that really was his name) and he now chooses to tell me it is FARE-AND-A-HALF from O'Hare. Holy-fucking-shit. The total bill is $150. At least he apologized for getting lost.

I must add one funny thing Muahmar did say to me, that was not quite worth a bone-and-a-half of cab fare. When I asked him if they had gambling here because it was Indian land he said "Sure, whole sztate. Indian-ah." Thanks, dude. That made my ride.

I went inside The Horseshoe and went through the rigamarole of getting another cab (they had a special line shared with 60 year-old women redeeming their slot card points). Thirty minutes later (it is now 1:25AM) my saviour arrives. How was I to know he would look exactly like one of those dudes you see fingered as a serial killer: tats-a-plenty, balding dirty blonde hair pulled into a pony tail, overweight, tat-riddled, nasty blonde girlfriend sitting next to him in the front seat. Straight out of a David Lynch flick, I swear.

I scanned the inside of the cab quickly for blood or other bodily fluids. Even the locks appeared functional. Good enough, I'm in.

The drive was unsettling. East Chicago Indiana looks like a cross between Blade Runner and Detroit. We wove in and out of huge refineries with giant flames belching from towers. With each backroads turn, I was sure my new cab friends were driving me to some bizarre mid-western serial killer palaver.

Fifteen dollars later, I arrived at Resorts. It's now nearly 145AM. I ask John Wayne Gacy, my cab driver, how long should I budget for the ride to the airport for my 10AM flight. He suggests a pickup time if 6AM. Damn, just 4 hours at the table now. We schedule a pickup; I am expecting Jeffrey Dahmer, except he's dead.

Into Resorts I go. It is a damn site nicer than "The Shoe". These "riverboats" are actually permanently docked 5 story high modern yachts. No paddles, no dudes that look like Mark Twain, just a hotel and a ramp to the casino. And po' folk. Lots. It's kinda sad.

Security is also oddly tight with metal detectors and a guard to eye you when you go in. I make no comments about overthrowing the government of Indiana; I am not anxious to meet the state goat.

The card room is located on the forth floor of the boat. You'd never know it was actually a vessel of any kind, it simply feels like a narrow, multi-floored casino. The cardoom packed in about 12 tables, 9 hold'em and 3 stud (I might be off by one or two). Nothing too unusual, decent tables (cloth, not felt), decent service, and- except for one amazingly bad one- good dealers.

They were spreading the following games:

$5/10 limit hold'em
$5/10 full-kill omaha (not going)
$5/10 no limit hold'em ($200 min, $500 max)
$1-5 stud

I opt for the $5/10 limit game. I am simply too beat to apply the concentration necessary for NLHE or stud. I am struck immediately by how loose the game is. Nearly 3/4 of the table is in on every hand. Doesn't matter if the pot is raised or not, everyone is in the pool.

The play is astonishingly bad. The only thing worse are my cards. Even good cards are going bad on the riverboat. Some sad stories:

Pocket AA cracked twice by suckouts on the river after multiple check-raises by me. What sucked me out? Both times a 22-1 runner-runner flush by dickheads playing cards like 7-4 suited. I am not kidding.
Flop the nut straight (and bet it HARD) only to have the river deliver a flush card. I knew that card was coming- I just frigging knew it. And the schmuck turns over K-4 suited that he played for a raise.
From the BB holding Q8, the flop comes QQ8. I check my monster and the check goes all the way around. Turn brings an 8, now I have a set of 8s and a set of Qs. Of course, some one else has a Queen and we split the pot.
I turn the nut flush, just to have some clueless old lady fill up her set with runner-runner pairs on the board.

I counted no less than NINE river suckouts against me in this 4 hour period. NINE! Normally I would have switched to NLHE at that point but I was really afraid I would not have cabfare. I just couldn't take that risk with the scary folken I had seen about.

I dropped about $225 in total (not including my funding of Moahmar's cause). I will not be back. [Not without $1000 and 2 days at any rate. These people sucked so bad it was just a matter of time and patience. Two things I did not have- I did end up playing far crappier cards than normal, just in desperation...]

The ride back to O'Hare was a more reasonable $80 with a very nice lady cabbie who was clearly not either a Satan worshipper or a serial killer. She was, however, a terrible driver. Every time I would fall asleep, she'd jam the brakes an bash my head against the plastic diviser between her and I.

I dunno, maybe I was being Punk'd.

Outlook is a Piece of Crap

2005-06-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, I'll say it again, Outlook is an evil piece of sh*t. I was happily using Eudora until my new gig forced me to use Outlook (well actually, the Crackberry that came with the gig forced me to use Outlook). I have been using Outlook- from now on I will call it Outhouse- for a month. Yesterday for no f*cking reason at all it refuses to send email.

Did I change anything? No.

Did I mess with the infamous "outhouse.pst" file? No.

Could I find any f*cking explanation of error code 0x80004005 on the internet? No.

The PoS software has screwed me time and time again. Corrupted PSTs, cryptic nonsensical errors, etc.

So if you get this message, do this:
- Rename your outlook.pst to i_know_this_is_shitty_software_but_i_am_stuck_with_it.pst
- Reopen Outlook and create a new PST
- Import your old one.
- Problem fixed. For this week.

Still Nothing Meaningful to Say

2005-05-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, you must be terminally bored. That's all I have to say for today.

My First Post

2005-05-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

Pretty blogful, I must admit.

Vegas Trip Report

2005-02-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

This is my trip report that I sent to my local buddies after going to Vegas for CES. Posted for historical shits-n-grins.

Stop One: Binion's Horseshoe
-------------------------------------------

Spent two nights at Binion's. The $39/night rate did not include complete tiling in the bathroom but it did include the "DING" of the elevator every 5 minutes. No worries, the cardroom was right outside the elevator.

I was pumped for Binion's thinking such a famous cardroom would spread a wide range of games.

Wrong.

Binion's had $2-4 hold'em, $4-8 hold'em and $1-2 No Limit. I played $2-4 and $4-8 and over the next 2 days sustained my longest streak of not winning a SINGLE HAND.

6 HOURS. No shit, it's true.

The sole highlight was an ultrahottie blond (with the required large augmented breastes) who sat next to me and turned out to be very cool. She was a dealer in Indiana and could play. We ended up in one hand against each other where she made a straight on the river. Before she flipped her cards she chuckled and said I always play these...sure enough she was playing big lick (6-9).

No shit, it's true. Even my warped mind couldn't make that up.

On our way out the door to explore Fremont Street, my buddy convinces me to try 3 Card Poker. Now I've read some where the only thing with worse odds than 3CP is Let it Ride, but hey, my night cannot get any worse.

It doesn't.

I hit trips (30-1 payout) and several straights and flushes and manage to win back almost what I have lost in real poker.

The rest of the night was lame, some video poker at the Nug a couple of beers, then off to bed by 5AM.

Stop Two (Intro): The Fremont Street Experience
--------------------------------------------------------------

After the next day's work (starting just 2 hours later than my last hand of hold'em) we decide we must see the Fremont Street Experience. This is a massive light show on the ceiling that covers the entire street. It's a rather jingoistic affair including multiple F-16s, soaring eagles, bombs blasting etc., just the kind of stuff to endear us to foreign tourists. I quickly loose interest, turn to my buddy, and say "Cocktails" while pointing at the Glitter Gulch home for advanced dance studies. He nods affirmative over the roar of a B-52 and in we go. After all, it is free admission.

A couple of nine dollar Corona's and several strippers in need of a Fox Extreme Makeover later, we're gone. One more activity checked off the list.

Stop Two: The Nug.
--------------------

My losing ways continued at Binion's for about an hour (I was waiting for my compatriot who was playing blackjack). I should mention Scott has all the damn tables memorized, can sort of count cards if he's not hammered (not often) and usually does pretty well. I, on the other hand, always lose at BJ. I finally tear him away and we head for the Golden Nugget.

Our main goal in hitting the Nug was to find Tim and Tom (infamous of Fox's The Casino show). They weren't around a 3AM the previous night and not around at a leisurely midnight this night, so I hit the cardroom while buddy hit the craps table. Once again, the only games being dealt were $2-4 and $4-8 and $1-2 No Limit. I went for $4-8.

The carnage continued....and just in case you're wondering if I was drunk enough to fall down and break my ribs, the answer is no, I was drinking coffee.

This one hand put me on severe tilt. I had AK and raised. EVERYONE called. No there's $72 in the pot. The flop comes down A-K-rag with one club. Someone bets, I raise, EVERYONE CALLS. Now there's $144 in the pot. Showtunes are going off in my head. The turn comes down a club rag. Now there are 2 clubs and I've only got one. I bet, about 3 guys call. Now the only thing that can beat me is a club. There's like $200 in the pot.

A friggin 22-1 shot at the flop, this isn't really going to happen to me, is it?

Yes, it *is*.

A club comes on the river and some dipshit proudly shows his crappy 22-1 shot jack-deuce clubs. I toss in my cards, break my own rule to never speak badly of someone else's idiotic play and stomp away.

I STILL HAVE NOT WON A SINGLE HAND IN LAS VEGAS. This can mean only one thing: time for No Limit.

Stop Two (Part 2): My No Limit Virginity Goes POP
-----------------------------------------------------

At this point I was utterly sick of playing suck-out wheel-of-fortune poker. I'd lost maybe $300 and was severely steaming. I knew it could not get worse, so I may as well go play with the big boys. Seriously, it can't get worse, can it?

No, it can.

(Kidding)

It actually got better. A LOT BETTER. No limit is simply the biggest blast ever. At most casinos it is played $1-2-NL so there's a $1 small, $2 big then swing away, buddy. A typical initial raise is $10-$15 with some as high as $30. Most pots are in $100-$200 range. There's no sucking out with 22-1 shots in this game, and you can bluff something fierce. Many pots when unraised and I would come in for a look with a $2 bet with some seriously weak hands.

I got lucky to find a fairly mellow, nice table for my first try. Nice guys, decent players, no sharks (I met some of those later).

My entire night slowly started turning around. Then the following hand comes up.

I've got A-deuce of clubs in late position and the pot get's raised to $15 or so in front of me. I call. The flop comes down A-club-club. A guy to my right bet's out $25, he gets raised $100 by the guy to my right, I flat call. The guy who put in the original $100 calls after some thought. We've got about $350 in the pot now.

Turn comes down rag. Initial better checks, guy to my right pushes $150 in. I flat call him (hey, I got a pair of aces and the nut flush draw). The 3rd guy bails.

Now, I have about $265 in this pot. My heart is beating like Lenny Bias after his 10th line of blow. Here comes the river.

CLUB. Star Spangled Banner, the entire Gilbert and Sullivan collection, it is all going off in my head. Could this possibly get better?

IT CAN! The guy to my right pushes is whole stack in. I am DUMBFOUNDED. What could he possibly have? I study the board again and again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't. I call with my last $150. He turns over Aces-Up. He's done, spindled and mutilated. I pull down a ~$800 pot and life is looking good. I played for about another hour without any major swings, then hit the sack. It's about 6 AM.

I'll never play limit hold'em again...at least not tonight.

I'm adding this analysis 8 months and many thousands of hands of cash NLHE later. So how well did I play this hand, let's go street-by-street:

Pre-flop: Pot was raised to $15 (7.5x BB) before it came to me in late position with A-2 suited. A-2 suited is not a very good hand, but a $15 bet in $1/2NL is nothing huge. What the hell, it's vegas. Grade: B.
Post-flop: Bet comes to me at $100 with $165 in the pot so I am not even getting 2-1 pot odds. But I do have a lot of outs: a deuce could come giving me 2 pair (but I suspected at the time I might already be behind in that regard), any club gives me a flush (9 outs), or I may actually be in the lead ($100 guy may be bluffing or may have bottom 2 pair- unlikely). And the implied odds are huge. If the guy in early position calls (he does) I am getting 3-1. But chances are I am behind. Grade for call of $100: B+ (for implied odds).
Turn: We now have $345 in the pot. Rag drops and main better pushes in $165. Now I am getting 3-1 on my money. It is a little worse than 4-1 I'll make my flush on the river. Implied odds and position (minor in this case, I either hit or miss) give me the edge I need to make this call. Grade: B.
River: well I won, right so it must be an A.

Overall though, I think I might have played this hand eiher a little tighter (folded), or come over the top and pushed with my flush draw on the flop.

STOP 3: Bally's and Bellagio
----------------------------

We moved to Bally's after the first two nights in order to be on the strip. Bally's just opened a new poker room and I wimped out and moved back down to $2-4 and $4-8. And guess what? Got sucked out on again by merrimakers playing any-two-will-do. So I start playing that way and lose. I'll spare you the boring details but I eventually drifted back to NL hold'em and did OK. This game was a little easier than the other one. I'm still about even on the night.

But now I'm jonesin' for a decent Omaha or Stud H/L game. I've had enough Irish coffee to make the hike over to Bellagio seem worth it, so off I go. Now, Bellagio
is *the* place for poker these days. You can see (though I didn't) guys like Daniel Negraneu, Doyle Brunson, Phil Ivey, or Gus Hansen playing $4000-$8000 mixed games on any given night. I ask to be put on the Stud list (no Omaha) and they ask do I want $60-120 or $80-160. I decide bed is a better answer. And should have stuck to it.

STOP 3 (Part 2): The Flamingo
--------------------------------

So the Flamingo is kind of on the way back from Bellagio if you get really lost. But I'd played there before and remembered they had a stud game so off I went.

No such luck. Finding anything other than hold'em in Vegas is getting to be like finding a virgin stripper (don't read ahead). So I played NL.

NL at the Flamingo was like going to school. First, the blinds were higher ($1-5) but more importantly there were some OUTSTANDING players at the table. More than once, I got moved off the best hand by a flat out bluff. One time, I was holding AJ hearts and the flop came down Ace(spade)-spade-spade(I had previously raised the pot to $30 from late position and there was about $120 in the pot). First position throws out $25 and pro drops $125. Sheeeeat, says I and folds.

First position folds. Pro flips over K-10 neither is a spade....

Later, an even worse situation came up. I am sitting on KJ suited and the flop comes QQJ with one of my suit. There's only two of us in the pot (about $100 in there) and the guy in front of me (another very good player), bet's out $25. I go over the top with $125 figuring even if he's got a queen, I have a full house draw, a straight draw and a flush draw. He pushes with about $1000 in chips. I think and think for like 2 minutes then fold. I'll never know whether this was right or wrong since he didn't show. Anyway, I was feeling like I might be at the sucker at this table, so I split.

Stop 4 (or Mitch Finds an Omaha Game)
-----------------------------------------

Early the following evening I belly back up to NL at Bally's and I am doing decently. Actually very decently...I am up like $250. Scotty's playing craps and he's up so we're pretty pumped up. We decide to drink dinner (I am back on Irish coffee). Our fun little 6 handed games gets combined with another table and now we're playing 11 handed. I am immediately to the right of the "chip leader" who is packing about 2 large. He was from my table and I saw him bluff several times.

First hand comes off and peek down at 10-10. I raise to $35. Chip Leader goes to $100. Me and another guy call. I don't remember the exact flop, but I still had top pair and a straight draw. I fire at the pot $100, he goes over me $200. I push in my stack. He flat calls and flips over queens. Almost made my straight, and my second place prize was to give chip leader my $400. Poorly played by me, got the result I deserved.

I get up and leave.

But now my buddy has disappeared from the craps table and with him went the hottie he was talking to (I am guessing). He rings my cell and tells me to get to the Tequila Bar where he sits with said tall blonde (a graphic artist from SF). I imbibe a single tequila based product then abandon him to continue his quest. My quest is simple: find an Omaha game at the Mirage.

And find one I finally did. I'm thinking that now that I have found an Omaha game, perhaps Scotty found a virginal stripper. Is it possible?

I think the Mirage is the best cardroom in Vegas. It's not snooty like Bellagio, it's quiet and has nice, speedy waitresses. They also have a variety of games.

The game I choose is $5-10 Omaha with a full kill (the only Omaha they had). The kill comes in when you scoop a pot over $75 which is almost every scooped pot in $5-10 Omaha so we're really playing $10-20 Omaha. I guess NL has desensitized me because I'm thinking, "gee, that's a pretty cheap game!" I drop down $200 for two nice stacks of red.

My very first hand I hit "AAA77" on the turn. KACHING. Welcome to the table, Mr. Mitch can we give you more money?

Yes you can, I say, and I continue to go on the single greatest run in the history of my poker playing. I am *seeing* the board like I have a computer built in to my head, reading other guys hands, folding when I am beat, staying when I have 2nd best (which turns into best) and most importantly getting cards like nobody's business. I busted one guy at the end of the table *twice*. Another guy threw his cards every time I bet. It was a thing of beauty.

I hit the wheel so many times I lost count. Full houses? Got more than Shea homes. Flush's, straights, trips...please sir, may I have some more? But the best was when I looked down at my cards after the flop and had a gutshot straight flush draw. I'm thinking, "the way things have been going, I'll get that 8 of spades on the turn".

And I did.

KAKAKAKACHING. Someone else had made the high full house. I, of course, slow played my hand of mass destruction and then broke that dude in half like a stick of stale gum on the river. And here's the best part: I also made the winning low hand. Can you say SCOOOOPPPAAAH?

I ended the night when the table broke around 630AM. I was up $1000 at one point but ended up a measly $800 when I headed for breakfast. I may never play hold'em again.

Stop 5: The Imperial Palace
----------------------------

Until tonight....

Played a little $2-4 hold'em with some customers at the Luxor after dinner. The Luxor room blows. They even deal $1-2 hold'em which I believe can only be found elsewhere at maximum security prisons.

So Scotty and I decide to cab it down to the Mirage for a reenactment. Unfortunately, the 5-10 Omaha game has about a 2 hour wait. We decide that since it is our last night in Vegas and we don't need to be up at 8AM (we were there for a conference) that we should take in a "show". But first, we wanted to get a wee bit hammered. We ended up (after some stops) at the Imperial Palace bar playing video blackjack strictly according to Scotty's memorized tables, while drinking beers (many beers). I lose most of my $20 bill but Scotty cashes out and we tread into the casino to convert his coin to cash. Unfortunately for Scott (who does not play much poker), we walked right by the cardroom. I was immediately sucked in. Scotty would normally have resisted but the waitress was an ultrahottie redhead and that was all she wrote for Scottie....deal him in.

The Imperial Palace cardroom is old school. The chip racks are *wood*. The chips are a color of grey I haven't seen since the Berlin Wall fell. But the beers came fast and they had out their breakfast buffet of sugar coated donuts (it was like 230AM). And the table was full of characters:

- "Yung" to my left was from Las Vegas by way of Korea. He was a pretty serious player and not very talkative. (I did not know it at the time, but I would see Yung again, 4 months later at Luxor.)

- "Old" on Yung's left is really named Jim and he is 90 years old. He has been married 67 years. His wife sits behind him and we get to chatting. She tells me she is 92 and I say she's a cradle robber. She got a real kick out of that. They left when he went broke and I hope they made it back to their room alive. You never know at 90.

- Chad, next to the old dude, was from Indiana (or some other state in the midwest). He was out with his college buddies who had already gone to sleep. And he's still in college. I tell him this is pathetic, but at least he's still out. His belt buckle is the size of my head.

- Mr. and Mrs. are at the end of the table. About my age (40), they clearly think me and Scott have had too much to drink. Fine, don't buy the next round then.

- Another young hipster, with massive sideburns sits down in seat 8. I decide his new name is "Elvis" and no matter how many times I ask him I still cannot remember his name. He remains, "Elvis".

- Another young Indian looking dude sits down next to Elvis. His name is "Kumar". I decide to call him "White Castle".

The game goes on for a couple of hours. I'm up, I'm down, I'm up. At one point, Yung literally falls asleep at the table and his face hits his chips. I would have expected that out of Old, but not Yung. It was hilarious. Even he laughed. Scotty has busted out and left for the craps table.

I then realize we never made it to a "show" and it is getting quite early. I have decided my new friends Chad, White Castle, Yung and Elvis should come along.

Yung and Elvis leave the building but Chad and Kumar come along. I yank Scotty off a craps table and off we go to the Spearmint Rhino at 530AM.

Let's just say the entertainers at 530AM Monday mornings are either older than me (no shit, it's true) or somewhat less bald than me (also true). But we made the most of it. Scotty and I showed our apprentices advanced moves like the reverse-gainer-dollar-drop and the "Look, I have dollar bill glasses" move made famous by geeks the world over. I finished the night by getting politely thrown out when I fell stone cold asleep at the bar. I had had about 12 hours sleep in 6 days and there were all these comfy pillows around....

The End